Why fresh air is public enemy number 1 in Russia

As some of you may have read in this post, there’s plenty of things waiting to kill you in Russia: drivers, zombie pigeons and angry mullets with low self esteem but one thing I failed to mention was perhaps the most deadly of all the killers – the Skvoznyak.

For those of you unfamiliar with this slayer of men, skvoznyak literally translates as ‘draught’ and, according to most Russians, is the cause of almost all ailments. If you have come to Russia for any amount of time, chances are you’ll know all about this silent killer.

                               

                          Skvoznyak strikes again

Russians fear the skvoznyak. Most of the time the windows are kept closed, especially in our office, for fear of, basically, the air. If you open the window for too long, illness will ensue. A a lot of illnesses are chalked up to the devil skvoznyak. If you have a cold, you will be told it's because you had the widow open for three minutes last night. If you have Polio that too is because you ingested too much fresh breeze from after opening the window.

                                                   

                                                    Let this be a warning to all you window openers!

The thing is, the devil air that comes in via the window is the same air we all suck in outside and you don't have to be a MD to know that air itself does not make anyone I'll, germs do. Naturally exposure to prolonged low temperatures will slow down immune response and increase the chance of you getting ill, but for all intents and purposes, you are at far greater risk from the hepC hobo spreading tuberculosis around your local metro station.

Russians have a verb (got to love the richness of the Russian language) продуть meaning ‘to get a chill’, i.e. get ill from the cold. Продуть has a few other meanings too and there are quite a lot of prefixed meanings with дуть, but I'll save the grammar lessons for another day.

Now I open my window a lot and the one Russian phrase I hear most of all is -“тебя не продует?”

                                                            Russian internet knows what I'm talking about

The answer to the above question is always 'no', in fact I hardly ever get sick (and when I don't have the window open, I have a small fan on my desk blasting in my face all day). I'm clearly some kind of breeze whore.

Speaking of продут, it reminds me of my ex-flatmate (a pseudo creative hipster type). One time, her dad came to leave her rent money while she was away on holiday being creative and appreciating art or some shit. 
When I answered the door, he was puffing and panting like he was fixing to have a coronary right there on our door step. He had to go and lie down for 20 minutes and, to be honest, he was not looking good. He's middle aged, somewhat overweight and I thought he had run up the stairs or done something stressful.

When I asked him what was wrong, he simply said that he had opened the window at work for 5 minutes it the breeze must have got to him. Usually a Russian might say шею продуло (this is partially why you might see a Russian wearing a scarf when they're sick), but this time, the air being the sneaking bastard that it is, had managed to get his heart!

Now, I'm no doctor house or anything, but I'm pretty sure breeze doesn't cause heart attacks.

                                     

                                                                              House's rapist eyes concur

So, in a sarcastic nutshell, that is the skvoznyak. Also, as a bonus, you should know that in Russia, sitting on cold things, even in summer, will make you infertile - just in case you were wondering. Now go close that window before you catch the AIDS!