The Russian playground


Playgrounds - they’re everywhere, built around blocks of flats for Russia’s youth to play,  except there are no kids there. Rather, the Russian playground is a place for dating, boozing and working out.

                                                                  So much special magic in one place  

The reason you don't see many kids there is because usually the equipment is shit (fyi, do you have any idea how many cats piss in the sand box?) and two, because playgrounds are magnets for alcoholics, would-be bodybuilders, homeless people and crack sluts (I may have been making up the last one).

I pass one small playground on every day and there is almost always group of boozers there, usually in the evening, although on the weekends, it’s a free for all. Quite often they’ll be pumping some shitty trance tunes out of an equally shitty mobile or have an mp3 player with speakers on the go. Sometimes, when they're really feeling spicy they might have a boom box.

Just yesterday I was passing by one and enjoyed some lulz watching as one teenage Russian in a wife beater vest tried to wrangle a pigeon. He was chasing that sky rat around like Rocky, cheered on by a proverbial group of gopnik Mickies. 
Clearly nothing gets a woman hot like a pot bellied man guzzling beer and chasing pigeons around children's playgrounds. 

Of all the playground boozers, I think the loud ones are the most annoying, they’re like those guys from Tagil on Nasha Rasha, if you don't know who they are, youtube them real quick.

                                                                                Play time has arrived!

The summer months are the worst because the tops come off, the beer bellies & moobs come out and the music gets cranked up.

Other playground boozers include the homeless or lone drinkers. I've seen grown men drinking beer at 9am on the swings in playgrounds. Why the swings? Why the playground? Why so early? I mean, what says rock bottom better than sucking back a Baltika 9 at 8 am, while terrorising the see-saw?

Some playgrounds are also pseudo gyms for those who, I'm guessing, can't afford a gym membership, although I have friend who works out in one from time to time, but he is slightly insane. I noticed a home made punch bag hanging of the monkey bars in one playground near the flat, although I haven't seen any Muscle beach-esque training going on just yet.

Usually I see teenagers trying to impress the ladies with their mad pull-up skills.

                                                                    shit is about to get very, very real

The other group of less shredded, less drunk playground patrons is the pensioners. I don’t mind them since they just sit there chatting, generally minding their own business but there is something depressing about the whole circle of life thing -  cradle, drunk smashy teen, grave.

I feel more sorry for the pensioners since they don’t have a nice, separate place to hangout. Often, I‘ll see the oldies on the one side of the playground and a group of young, retarded pissheads on the other, although generally the pensioners seem to have the morning and day ‘shifts’.

I guess this is just part of living in flats in the city since people don’t have their own gardens.

When I have a kid, I don’t think I’ll be taking him/her to the standard playgrounds in Moscow. Way too depressing and way too many drunk guys pissing in the sand pits


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2 comments:

Chrissy Flynn on July 13, 2012 at 7:00 AM said...

Its so awful but you make it soooo hilarious. Damn drunks ruining the playgrounds for the kids but then again it looks so depressing that I think that they are better off inside. The playground sounds more like an alleyway or a harmless version of Skid row in LA where I'm from(Ok maybe Im exaggerating) but sand boxes were not meant for grown man piss in any way...

Lt. Columbo on July 18, 2012 at 2:52 PM said...

i especially have mixed feelings about the sand pits, i mean it's basically like a luxury toilet for wild animals

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