5 ways Russia will transform you into a gentleman



While in the West chivalrously may be deader than an 80 year old lady's sex drive, it's alive and well in Russia - well kind of at least. While I could ramble shit all day about gender differences, mentality difference and the Russians' love for mullets, I'm not going to.

As a man in Russia interacting with the fairer sex, one one the first things you'll be exposed to are the 'rules', oh yes. You didn't realise how easy you had it in the West where the gender differences are blurred so much that you may have accidently turned into a female without knowing it.

In today's West, being a man is bad and dirty and your penis is a veritable sexual terrorist, running dangerously out of control looking at sinful breasts that have 'sexual harassment lawsuit' written in small print just under the nips - nips that you shouldn't be looking at.

Fortunately, in Russia you will be encouraged to unleash your inner man-beast, but there are rules you'll need to master to please Russian women and become a born-again gentelman, a nuevo-muzhik, if you will.


                                                                Rule one - open all doors at all times

This was the first rule I had beaten into me and it's a simple one that a lot of would-be Gentle-Muzhik's neglect. One of your primal functions, other than surviving and replicating, is to open doors for women and let them go through the door first. Don't miss out on this second point - if you open the door and go through before the women, you'll trigger a vagina lock-down.

Keep it simple, don't think and just open the door. Most Russian women will wait for the door to be opened anyway, so you should be aware of what you need to do. 
This applies in lifts too, let the women leave first and achieve an A+ gentleman rating.


                                                            Rule Two - help women down from steps

This one comes into play if you use public transport with your girlfriend or date (warning: long bus rides full of sweaty Russians may destroy the love vibe).
Upon leaving the bus and stepping down onto terra firma, you need to swivel around and lend a hand to your Russian maiden. Even if the step it's not far from the ground, the hand of chivalry will need to be there.


                                                            Rule Three - pay for stuff - within reason

Nothing wrong with split budgets and all that, but over here the man is generally expected to be the traditional bread winner, especially on things like first dates. You'll be expected to pay for dinner and whatnot, so lube up and bring your ATM card with you.
While some people will scoff at this, remember that back in the day, this was the case in the West too.

Did you ever see Donnald Draper bitch about picking up a cheque?
                                                                                         fuck no

Of course, you should use your common sense here: if you're on a date with some girl you hardly know and she asks you to buy her a phone, or orders 300 dollars worth of Sushi, you have a gold digger on your hands.

Don't be the guy who gets used for free meals and gifts (girls in any country always have one or two of these chumps). Respect yourself if you feel you are being taken for a ride remember - buying thousands of over-priced sushi rolls will not get you laid.

                                                                   Rule four - carry heavy stuff

Women, especially Russian ones, don't want to date the proverbial 130lb weakling who gets walked all over and can't help carry heavy stuff. This doesn't mean you have to be the size of Arnold, but you will be expected to have the basic strength to carry a woman's bag.

If your Russian girl is packing heavy bags (heavy is relative, mind), man up and take the bags. Lifting and carrying heavy shit is part of being a man so go caveman and carry the shit out those mildly heavy woman bags!
You'll know you've mastered this step when you feel the need to carry the bags automatically.


                                                 Rule five - take charge and think of stuff to do
When the girl says 'what shall we do', don't answer: oh, I don't know - what do you want to do? I used to do this all the time and it took a while for me to get out of the habit.
Learn to take the initiative.

The underlying issue here is about being in control of situations and having a plan.
It doesn't mean the woman doesn't have a voice, it just means you need to be ready with some ideas of fun stuff to do.

Along with the other gentleman behavior, once you feel comfortable in leading the interaction and can't stand the thought of being passive, you can pat yourself on the back - you have become five times the gentle-muzhik you were before.

FIN
Even after refining your behavior, you'll still the breast-staring sexual deviant you were before, but you'll be a more refined deviant. Take your new door-opening skills back to the West and see how much woman enjoy these seemingly insignificant changes.

Sure, some Western women may get offended at you opening a door for them, sadly such women do exist. But it's better to not to act like a politically correct eunuch and say fuck it, I open doors, i pull up chairs because that's how I role!





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2 comments:

maxreview on August 11, 2012 at 7:12 AM said...

Ah, another bulls-eye post - молодец. And yea, Mad Men is probably the best way to describe it.

A few more I can think of - pour her more wine/water/whatever is on the table, and do it before she asks. She will die of thirst during dinner, just to prove a point afterwards. Lighting cigarettes also falls here. Ordering food can also be thrown in once in awhile for good measure. Pretty much everything from the 1960s that seems like a stereotype. Do it.

Put the toilet seat down. I guess not as old-fashioned, but still a serious issue.

Sharpen your set of kitchen knives, keep them sharp. Only pussies would dare own dull knives.

Be ready for conflict at any second. She needs to know you're her Dark Knight. In a crowded mall, and someone may have looked at her in a strange way? Time to rage.

Lt. Columbo on August 16, 2012 at 9:13 PM said...

very true stuff, i cant believe i forgot about the pouring drinks part!

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