An english perspective on life in Moscow, Russia

A small introduction

2015-08-23T01:22:00.000-07:00

I have been living in Moscow (translating and teaching) over the course of the past five years and have seen and experienced many interesting things which i decided to share here.

I'm originally from England and this is my blog where i will cover the reality of living in Moscow, some tips on how to get stuff done and some of the bullshit you may encounter. It should be made up of tips of how to get things done, how to deal with various problems and give you a feeling for how life goes here and how it shapes the Russian mentality.

Any avid Russian patriot reading this can rest assure that i don't hate Russia, but there are a things ill rant about. For the most part, i just call it like i see it.

So, if you are thinking about coming here to study or work and want the real deal (or at least how i perceive it), subscribe,enjoy the ride and dont forget: Россию, умом не понять!

Russian names

2011-09-28T05:52:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how many of my readers know about Russian names or more specifically, the repetition of Russian names.

With that in mind, you’ll be pleased to hear that today’s quick post isn’t a rant (I will be milking the rant snake again soon, have no fear).
This one is actually about Russian names, and some of the potentially hilarious mix ups you can have with them.
My foolish lack of attention ended up with me on a date with the wrong girl last week, although I’m sure there are worse situations I could end up in.

names and problems

One thing about Russian names is that they are all quite common, both male and female. This means that upon touching down on ex-Soviet soil, you will be confronted with a barrage of Ivans, Igors, Borrisis, Lenas, Katyas and so on

Sorry Igor, I still can’t associate your name with anything other than that of a bumbling, evil sidekick

This can lead to some confusion since, for me at least, most Russian surnames don’t exactly lend themselves to easy memorising. Things also get more confusing when you meet new Russians where there is booze involved.

and there’s always booze involved

Fortunately I have a damn near tard-proof, but slight chauvinistic system for solving this problem that involves three core components:

a first name
place met
some memorable attribute

For example
Dasha tema boobs - Dasha, who I met at a bar called Tema with big boobs, obviously
or Irina Coffee - Irina, that works for some coffee company

and don’t worry ladies, it works the other way around too, for example:
Boris club pointy shoes, or Ivan pub mullet

looking good bro

It’s better to be specific. When I ended up meeting up with the wrong person, it was because I had foolishly not followed my own rule.
It was a case of simply Lena 24 and Lena 28. Because they were in my phone book right next to each other, I didn’t notice that I had been in fact making plans with the wrong one until it was too late and I only noticed when I decided to change the names in my phone book to avoid this exact type of thing.

curse my aging brain

Although I was punished in a way because wrong Lena (as she is now in my phone) managed to infect me with a shitty cold.

Justice being done aside, I find when you do inevitably forget whether you are talking to a Katya, Masha, Sergey or Roman, I just ask them in a nonchalant what their full name is (а какое у тебя полное имя - фамилия, имя и отчество?).
This trick will save you when you realise you have indeed forgotten their names (and you’ll look like less of a cock than if you simply said ‘sorry, I forgot your name’). Plus, you’ll definitely remember it the second time around. Failing that, just invent a silly nick name to give them and use that, although if you do this with dudes, a first fight will most likely ensue

One more thing, if you ever come across a Kseniya or Oxana, you should realise that in Russian these are considered the same name - even though they are completely different.
Usually the Ksenya/Oxana in question will say that she only likes to be called one or the other.
I still see them as different though.

Oh, and Natahsa and Natalya are also variants of the same name.

Good luck with those names!

Russia's aviation safety

2011-09-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

Crash the latest blemish on Russia’s safety record

taken from: http://www.thestar.com/sports/hockey/article/1050809--crash-the-latest-blemish-on-russia-s-safety-record

Brendan KennedyStaff Reporter === Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Lokomotiv Yaroslavl plane crash is just the latest blemish on Russia’s aviation safety record — already the worst in the developed world.

“Unfortunately this is just the kind of thing that tends to happen quite frequently in Russia,” said Stuart Barwood, a commercial aviation consultant formerly based in Moscow.

A private Russian jet carrying one of the country’s top hockey teams crashed Wednesday after a failed takeoff attempt, killing 43 people including the team’s Canadian coach. There were only two survivors.

The accident was Russia’s eighth fatal plane crash this year, bringing the 2011 death toll to 120, according to the Aviation Safety Network.

By comparison, seven people have died in three fatal crashes in the U.S. this year.

Last year, Russia and the former Soviet republics combined for one of the worst air-traffic safety records in the world, with a total accident rate almost three times the world average, according to the International Air Transport Association.

Critics say the country’s shoddy safety record is due to regional airlines’ use of aging, Soviet-era planes, lax enforcement of safety regulations for charter operators, and “greedy” airline managers who sacrifice training for profits.

“This tragedy once again shows that no one in Russia really cares about the safety of civil aviation,” said Anatoly Knyshov, a test pilot with more than 40 years of flying experience, who in 2006 wrote a letter to Russia’s then-president Vladimir Putin urging him to improve the country’s airline safety protocols and pilot training.

Knyshov argued that since the collapse of the Soviet Union — when Russia’s centralized airline, Aeroflot, was fragmented and split into a number of smaller airlines — safety regulations have been pushed aside in the name of profits.

“Since 1991, the Soviet system of training pilots, of safety protocols and regulations, has been destroyed by greedy managers,” Knyshov said.

Barwood argued that the country’s larger airlines, which operate international flights out of major cities, generally meet international safety standards. The problem, he said, lies in the lack of enforcement of regional airlines and charter operators like the one involved in the Lokomotiv crash.

The Russian charter operator, YAK Service, had previously come under European safety scrutiny for a number of its planes, including the Yakovlev 42, or Yak-42, involved in Wednesday’s crash.

The aircraft was banned in July 2009 from flying into the European Union due to “major safety deficiencies affecting flight operations,” according to report by the EU’s aviation safety committee.

Restrictions were lifted a few months later, but the plane was to be regularly “ramp-checked to ensure compliance with international standards,” according to the report, which stated that the Russian government was to monitor compliance with safety regulations.

Despite lifting the regulations on the Yak-42, the EU still banned two other YAK Service planes from entering their airspace because they were not satisfied the operator was complying with safety standards.

The Russian Emergency Situations Ministry said the Yak-42 crashed into the shore of the Volga River immediately after leaving the airport near the western city of Yaroslavl, 240 kilometres northeast of Moscow. The plane reportedly did not take off in time, struggled to gain altitude and then crashed into a signal tower, shattering into pieces.

An air traffic controller at the Yaroslavl airport told a Russian TV station that the jet crashed after it failed to gain enough speed to takeoff.

“The captain requested permission for a takeoff; I granted it. After this the captain was supposed to make contact once the plane reached 200 metres, but the plane simply did not reach that height,” Ariy Novik, 38, told LifeNews.

Russia’s Interstate Aviation Committee has opened an investigation into the circumstances and causes of the accident.

The plane in Wednesday’s crash was manufactured in 1993, but the short- and medium-range Yak-42 has been in service since 1980. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev had announced plans to take the aging Soviet-built planes out of service starting next year.

Less than 200 Yak-42s were ever manufactured, according to Barwood, who said eight have crashed. “It is an airplane that unfortunately has had a fairly high accident rate.”

Knyshov, however, called the Yak-42 “very reliable,” and said pilot error due to a lack of training was the more likely cause.

With files from Igor Malakho

Rantfest 101

2011-08-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

As I have ranted about before, one of the flatmates I live with manages to annoy me in a variety of ways, but like probably most of you know, after living with someone for a while, the slightest thing they do can prove to be a pain in the ass.

After a certain amount of time, the slightest crumb out of place causes a bubbling volcano of irritation to build up inside.

or maybe it’s just me, in which case I will be one of those hyper agitated old men that spreads his piousness anti-joy everywhere he goes, but that’s neither here nor there.

The retard strikes back

you might remember the ridiculous situation we had to which I refer to as the ‘screw driver’ incident, if not, you can read about it here.
This time things were a bit different.

It all started about two weeks ago on a Sunday night. I was chilling in my underpants (as if there was any other way to relax) and there was a knock on the door.
I got semi-dressed and answered the door to find a lady from the flat two stories down complaining that there was a leak coming in from the flat below (that’s where our landlord’s in-laws live).
I tried to contact them, but they only have a land line. So then I called the landlord and he told me his in-laws were away and that we should find the local and possibly alcoholic plumber, Misha.
I saw the damage the water had already done to the lady’s flat and was sorry I couldn't do more to help.

The next day, the cold water was shut off in the building (naturally, since the plumber couldn't access the flat where the leak was coming from), although this didn't worry me too much because four mornings a week I shower in the gym. Anyhow the next morning, flatmate calls me in the morning and is complaining. I explained that the water was off until the plumber could do something about the leak.

But this wasn't good enough. It’s unbearable she moaned, I haven't been able to wash my hair for two days!
Now, for the record, we’re not talking about flowing locks here - she has less hair than me. She also fails to understand that the whole building is suffering and some poor lady has massive water damage done to her ceiling.

But f*ck that, two days she can’t wash her hair!

Then she wants me to call the landlord and get something done. Somehow, she had decided that I was the one to fix the situation.
She had made the classic mistake of confusing me:

a dashing pre-scientology Tom Cruise-esque expat

with this:

a lovable plumber with a comical accident

Now, all I could do was explain that the suspect alcoholic plumber couldn't do anything until the old folks came back. I had already spoken to the landlord and his wife about this and now I had her complaining. Multiple calls throughout the day ensued with her expecting some kind of new information.

But, what really baffles me is the following:

Why call me?
Why not check with the neighbours to establish whether it was just a problem with our water or the building?
Why not just call the landlord directly to ascertain the nature of the situation?

Again, the time she wastes calling is misspent energy, if she just refocused all that into actually doing something or finding something out, life would be much easier for all parties.

Why do I devote a post to this? Simply because all this translates into more stress for me where there need be no stress.
It’s fine if you are a female that lives by the creed of ‘the man fixes the problems’, that’s all good - when you have a f*cking man. Call your boyfriend, dad or landlord, not me.

So the result was that in the evening the old couple came back and the water was turned back on - all very straight forward.

fuck yeah

Welcome to an English perspective on life in Moscow

2011-08-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome the main page of my blog about life in Russia! (mainly Moscow).

So this is my blog on my life as an English guy living in Moscow. My Russia blog is like a pseudo useful resource with ‘articles’ on different aspects of Russian life linked in the various tabs above and other more typical blog-style entries where I just write about random stuff in the ‘small posts on daily life’ label to the right.

If you like my blog, feel free to e-mail me with glorious praise, follow me on twitter or join my facebook fan page. Also, if you have ideas on something you'd like to see here or ways to improve the blog, drop me a line.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you find something useful / entertaining here!

*****

Wanted to shout out thanks to Matt for the suggestions and eagle-eye typo spotting.

RUSSIA TODAY - the bullshit machine

2011-08-07T02:03:00.000-07:00

I wonder as I write this introduction: just how much structure will there be to this rant I am about to embark on? Not much, that’s for sure.

This time around, instead of systematically offending all Russian men by comparing them to a Warner Brothers 1950s cartoon character, I will be slamming Russia Today.

Now, I’ll give my usual little disclaimer: I don't think everything they produce is shite, some of the non-politically related stuff can be interesting and occasionally they’ll have some decent enough reports and whatnot. Plus their Russian staff has superb English.

But with all that cloying praise said, the three or so people that are reading this may then wonder - what is this blogger’s problem with RT?

The smugness that some of their presenters exude baffles me. I watch in disbelief, but I also read in disbelief. Even in some of the rambling, super biased articles they write, I can taste the smug coming through the screen. I can almost see the author, working away (possibly on his laptop in Starbucks), armed with nothing more that shit-eating grin that could totally wipe out the competition at SmugFest 2011

the competition doesn't stand a chance

Now, I may ramble on about what is, essentially, pure bollocks most of the time, and the adage about opinions and assholes is as true as ever, but at least I don’t do it on a state-run news website.

As another point, there are a few people from RT that work where I do, two are ok, but one that used to work here was, hands down, one of the biggest, insurmountable cock suckers I have ever met in my life. He was one of the ‘special’ types of people that you come across every now and then that you want to punch. It was ultra smugness, ultra arrogance with some rich mummy’s boy thrown in for good measure - very violence-inducing.
As another point, I sit opposite a guy who used to work there and he is fine and normal and cool to chat with, which is probably why he left...

The other thing I find ridiculous about RT is some of their political pieces, especially ones that concern foreign policy and the US. I don't live in fairy land and I do understand that all media represents a certain agenda, that’s fine and dandy, but the absolutely blatant America bashing on RT is like something from another planet.
I mean, Jesus, at least be subtle about it. How are you supposed to subvert me and brain wash me if you are sooo obvious about it? I am all for the ‘other perspective’, But where is the other scathing Russian perspective? Strange, I don’t seem to see it, hmmm, I seem to recall there is a name for that, oh yes, there it is;

hello there double standards

And I’m not even an American lover or anything, I really don't care that much, I’m just saying, present your point of view and sculpt your bias in a more professional way (unlike I am doing right now). It just makes their whole agenda look convoluted, confused and unprofessional. But this is a blog, so fuck my advice on this occasion.

And another point, I wonder what world some of journalists there live in. You see headlines and columnist post like this all the time: US has become fascist state, 5 reasons why the US debt deal still means America is screwed (totally non-biased, right), US imperialism this and that etc etc.

I stagger when I read them, I mean, did these imbecilic fucktards forget what country they are living in? HELLO???!! freedom of speech? By that do they mean the Vladimir Putin 24 love-fest that is RT? What about how the government took over NTV in a corporate raid (standard business practice over here btw), how was that for fascism and freedom?
Didn’t see any overtly-biased pieces on that on RT, but if the same shit went down in America, it would be like a freaking wet dream for the morons that work there. field day of the century. I can see the headline American government oppressing media - land of the once free!!

Don’t misunderstand me, we all have things we like about living in Russia, but let’s wake the fuck up. It’s one of the most corrupt countries in the world with politicians robbing it dry every day. As for the numerous and various digs against America yada yada yada - tell that to a drunken Russian police officer next time he tries to beat your ass, plant drugs on you or extort a bribe from you.

Then write an article about it.

Russian men are, essentially, like Pepe Le Pew

2011-07-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER!! Naturally this doesn't apply to all Russian guys, so please, no getting panties in a twist

Oh that’s right. I’m back with Russian-offending avengence!

Where have i been you ask? Nowhere and everywhere. I would have updated earlier, but the piece I had written about me and my friend’s little soiree down into Tula land got corrupted and I don’t have it in me to rewrite it.
Ironically, the text was left idle for about a month, so that will teach me for being lazy.

Or maybe it won’t, but in any case Russian men, i apologise in advance, but here it comes baby!

They are, in fact, much like Pepe. some of you may wonder who that is, possibly even mistaking him for a chic French fashion designer. well, Ive got bad news.

this is pepe

How, so you may ask??

Well, Pepe isn't all bad, ill start with that. He is a lover of the ladies and will peruse his target ruthlessly to the end, literally romanticizing them into submission.The funny thing about Pepe is that, even when the girl doesn't want him (which was most of the time, if my memory serves me correctly), he was still unshakable in his belief that he was the best, and most sexually romantic thing going.

Good for the self esteem? shit yes!

Slightly delusional mindset with information not based on real time feedback? - also yes

As for the men

the real men

Well, just to clarify, they are not like Pepe in all respects, but I seem to see that many are like Pepe when it comes to the game of picking up girls, or gaming them, if you will.Typically these are my observations made from out and about in bars and clubs, and to a certain extent, on the street (although less common).

One the one hand, you have to take your hats off and congratulate a lot of these Russian guys, because they truly seem fearless in their approaching of women of all standards.

Hell, sometimes it even works! (especially the case if the guy is decent looking, good energy or just gives a positive first impression overall)

but more often, they will be shut down within about five minutes. Some of them, who seem to be almost totally socially unaware, outstay their ‘welcome’, or pull all kinds of weird stuff - all of which is highly amusing. Failing that, they fall into the roll of clown entertainer, free-drink machine or non-sexual excellent friend material (otherwise known as the three things all women secretly want but are afraid to admit. and yes, and yes, that was sarcasm).

Maybe another plus here is that the rejection seems not really to bother them at all. They'll tool up together, grinning like the proverbial naughty schoolboys about to execute some audacious prank, bore some girls stupid for 5 minutes, orbit around them for another 5 and then roll on - totally unfazed. Much like Pepe, because they know all women want them.

curious...

Also, Ive known examples of guys who have managed to weather down an uninterested girl for literally months and months, self esteem taking not a hint of damage, until they finally get her (but of course, you never know whether you have no chance or whether you just didn't work hard enough yet). I’m always surprised when one of them manages to somehow plough through the friend zone, because us men know, that fucking friend zone is harder to escape than Alcatraz.

Piece of cake compared to the FZ

Maybe this is because in Russia there is the view that добиваться надо! but, to each his own. (I have my thoughts as to whether or not this is a great foundation for a relationship).

My little theory on this is based in the fact that in Russia there are more women than men, generally they are physically very attractive and also (because of the lack of ‘good’ men) are more women willing to compete and kill each other with jealousy (Just on firday I saw a girl try to sabotage her friend)

I think on some level, the average Russian guy probably doesn't care so much because, let’s face it, there is less supply than demand and they can also rock on to somebody else, which is fair enough, but in any case, they still have the rock solid ego of Pepe Le Pew. Sometimes this helps, other times it doesn't.

-----

Ps - The night I wrote this (not published), me and my friend we out and I saw the worst possible example of this in the world. The guy was so bad I even videoed him. Even after the girls refused his free drinks, he still bought them, harassed them to drink them, eventually gave up and had to walk around the bar offering other people the free drinks. Nobody else even wanted them.

But that wasn't enough, he came right back and sat next to them, ruining yet more of their night.
He was also oblivious to them begging the bar man to get rid of him or do something.

But no, in his mind, I’m sure, he was the ultimate seduction machine. In fact, he was just a pushy, drunk dick with no social intuition that successfully ruined a large portion of two girls’ night.

the crazy screwdriver flatmate incident

2011-05-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

While one half of the globe is cheering the downfall of Osama Bin laden, the worlds greatest hide and seek champion, the other half is going conspiracy mad, but meanwhile in Moscow, I am puzzling out some Russian female logic.

I almost even understand the logic, but this time, I’m calling straight up bullshit.

The day began with my friend (and now-fellow-flatmate), locking our crazy Russian girl flatmate in the apartment. Some of you might be thinking this is because she is his red-hot Russian love slave concubine, but you’d be wrong. We have two doors, and one of them can only be locked from the outside and not opened from the inside, hence this problem.

Since she gets up for work at around 11, so you never really know if she is in or not, save for the mess she leaves in the bathroom whenever she gets in there. I was gone early anyway and when my buddy got the call at work (we also work at the same place) he knew why she was calling. He ignored her calls and so did I, because we both know she is an insane drama queen (she wanted to call a tennant meeting, i.e. all of us together becuase some of the lightbulbs went out in the bathroom).

Plus, the landlord’s in-laws live on the floor below and can just be called to open the door (this isn’t the first time it’s happened). There are also a number of other common-sense options that could have been implemented. She kept calling, which meant that on this occasion, even the old pensioner from the floor below must have been out (as we know, the 80+ aren’t known for their jam-packed social and business lives, meaning you can almost always find them at home).

In a text, to her, my friend suggested she grab a screwdriver from my room (a have a small tool kit for all my muzhik tool needs) and simply unscrew the lock – a mighty two-screw beast that a small, retarded child could unscrew. Her response, among some other bullshit about being late for an important ‘meeting’, (i.e. drinking wine with friends) was this:

И еще – не забывай, - отвертками женских сил пользоваться не хватит

Translation: and don’t forget, women aren’t strong enough to use screw drivers

marvel and this impregnable construction

Seriously, I'm not like the feminist’s best friend or anything, but that is one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard, even with the whole ‘a man does this, a women does this mentality’. The thing that’s wrong about the latter equation is that it doesn't say what to do if you don’t have a man (I wonder why she doesn't have one...). Ironically, if you don’t have a man to take care of these things, you need to man the fuck up and get with reality.

How can you argue with a grown 28-year-old women who refuses to attempt to unscrew 2 screws (that’s right, count them) based on gender? Another gem she dropped one time when I couldn't remember where the light bulbs were:

Me: Hey, do you remember where the light bulbs are? I remember seeing them around the flat somewhere…

Her: well, that’s man stuff and I don’t think women need to know about things like that.

She’s not typical of a Russian girl, even the more traditional ones.

If any of you Russian women reading met with this situation, what would you do?

The moral of the story, don’t live with a crazy person, of any race or nationality. There's only one thing more petty than stuff like this, and that's writing a whole blog post about it.

ahhhh yeeeaahhhh!!!

The quirks of the Soviet office

2011-04-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

Another month passes as I let my blog, my love child of anger and ranting, languish on the interwebs. So many distractions and so little time, but in any case, seeing as how I'm in the office, I thought it only appropriate to talk about what my little corner of soviet paradise is like.

I won’t say exactly what I do here, but I’ll say that it’s more result-based so nobody really bothers me, or the area I work in. I eat when I want, arrive when I want and basically leave when I want, provided I get my stuff done. II wouldn't say there’s anything I particularly dislike here (something rare for me), so I’ll break it into the good, the weird and the annoying.

the good

the atmosphere
Now, I'm sure this isn't the case in every Russian office, in fact, I'm positive of it, but here we have a couple of other foreigners, one of who is my good friend and the Russian girls in our section all speak great English and a lot of them have lived abroad, some since childhood, others for study. This creates a kind of nice duel language atmosphere

learning
I learn lots of new and weird Russian words, the latest which include some interesting combinations like: паяльник, флюгер, урановый стержень, ратный подвиг, выкабаниться, лазарет, отмычка, звонница and other delights. Since I firmly believe in continual self-improvement this is great for me, when I worked in an office in England I felt like my brain was dying. Just picking new things up helps me feel like I'm keeping sharp and it’s making my Russian better every day.

Tea and lunch

Everyone just has their own supply of shit and keeps it in the fridge or whatever. If I want some tea, I bust out my milk and tea bags and it’s on. I prefer this since I don’t like coffee so much and don’t want to be plugging my cash into a vending machine for shit-size cups of coffee all day.
Also, the canteen is pretty decent, again saves me money and gives a bit of diversity to my semi-appalling diet.
You can eat and your desk, drink there and do whatever the fuck you want. Lunch is as long as I want it to be, which is usually no longer than it takes to eat.

Women
That sweet, sweet Russian ratio, coupled with a seemingly invisible amount of dudes in my mid 20 age bracket. The ratio of good looking women to men here has always been great in Russia, and our building is no exception. Seriously, I love it. Also, I think the boss of our section specifically hires young 20-something hot women.
Is it fair?
No
am i going to complain?
No
that might sound a bit of to one of the few women readers I have, but that’s how it is. If any foreign dude here starts trying to pretend otherwise, he’s bullshitting. Trust me, we guys here love it and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of admiration in my opinion, if that makes me a sleazebag filth meister, I’m cool with that.

The weird

Drunk old men
there are a lot of older people here, and I mean old. Like some are 70 plus. This actually isn't that much of surprise (it was like that at the faculty I studied Russian at) and I actually think it’s quite nice that they are kept around and not just thrown out. What it weird, is that some of the older men somehow manage to get drunk at work.
I know, it sounds silly, but they do and it’s quite obvious, I just don’t know when or where.

Seating layout
this is one thing I find a bit odd. We have like three departments (I'm guessing) in one fairly large room. We are all divided into three strips by walls or poorly-made furniture and nobody really socialises outside of the barriers. The most socialising I did was when I was talking to one of the chicks from the translation section (which is in the middle). As for the third wing, I don't even know what happiness over there. Sometimes we’ll stroll over there just to see what’s up.

Furniture
there is all kinds of odd, random stuff scattered around. See for yourself:
also, some of the building wings haven't been renovated and so some of the end corridors are like a time warp into 1980-1990. I think some people work there too, although I can’t be sure.
I know some people smoke there, but other than that I'm clueless. Here are some of the things scatterd about the place:

50" high-def plasma

The annoying

opening the window

every time someone opens a window (applies more in winter time); the Russians start to get paranoid about getting ill and stuff. If you try to explain the benefits of fresh air and the fact that people get ill from microbes, not cold air, you will be told you are wrong.
My flat mate also frequently tells me this too. “You better close your window, you’ll get ill!”
The older, more war-like soviet ladies here take this shit very seriously.
One time there was a kind of shouting match between the head translator lady and some other one about the window being open.
It went on for 15 minutes.

old man toilet smokers
I don't mind smokers and I don't care for the ‘dirty-smoker’ label band wagon. You wanna smoke? Fine, I don't give a shit either way, just don't exhale the fumes in a baby’s face or anything weird like that.
What I don't like is the toilet smokers that refuse to open the window. I mean, Jesus, is it so hard to crack a window? I come out of that place stinking of smoke.
also, a lot of times you walk in there and it’s like a 60+ smoker conference - a bunch of old dudes, bunched together like grapes, gossiping like a gang of playground bitches and fumigating the fucking place out.

Also, and I’m just going to throw this out there, trying to poop with an entourage of old men outside the cubicles is somewhat difficult. We all need to poop at work sometimes.

On another note, I’m no urologist, but some of the incredible noises that come out of there are far from normal. As me and all my fellow muzhiks know: our prostates are a ticking time bomb just waiting to get us...(that is, if a falling icile doesn't do it first)

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most muscular of them all?

2011-03-07T02:56:00.000-08:00

Или рассказ о том, кто здоровее...

Yet again I have waited far too long to update my blog. There is no good reason for this, apart from the fact I always think I will write something on Sunday and, well, you can see how that goes.
In fact, I’m starting to write this at work, simply because I love distracting myself. I have had plenty of stuff happen in the past month. This one happened in the gym on Monday and I thought it would make a good little update.

So I have just finished my reasonably intense training session and turned my Kylie Minogue pump inspiration mix off when Zhenya comes into the changing room.

cue rape scene

After completing my manly taste in music that I wasn't really listening we got to slightly awkward forced locker-room conversation. I was still getting changed and couldn’t exactly ignore him.

Now Zhenya is about 45 and about my height, which is, alas, 5’7 (did somebody say slightly-under-average-height, dark and handsome?)

I start by asking how his training is going and he replies: not so well.
I nod emphatically, secretly not really giving a shit

This
Then he asks me about my training. I say things are going ok, weight is going up and getting a stronger etc and which point he asks me my weight.
At about 77-78kg, it appears me and him are the same weight, which is when the awkwardness kicks in.

He commented that I was probably more muscular than him (at this point I’m in my towel, trying to get to the shower). This is clearly bothering him enough that he grabbed the first guy that came through the door and asked, (making me stand next to him) who was bigger/more muscular.

And there I am, in my towel, next to a 45 year old Ukrainian man who is harassing some guy to do an impromptu body judging session.

The first guy was a bit reluctant to comment, as you can imagine so Zhenya, unsatisfied with this, goes and gets the trainer, explaining: "Now here's someone who knows what they're talking about"

“right, we’re about the same weight, so has the better body?”
“he does”

And then the trainer offers up some suggestions that I could have wider bone structure or some bollocks of that sort (of course possible, but I didn’t exactly win the bodybuilding-genetics lottery). Then I think some defensive reaction kicked in and Zhenya began to justify why his shoulders weren’t as wide as mine (I’m really not some big muscle guy, shit, if you put a T-shirt on me you’d probably have trouble guessing that I so much as looked at a weight).

His key argument was that he didn’t lift any weights, just did cardio and stuff - which is a fine argument. I often argue that if I decided to buy a race car I would be an amazing race-car driver who would collect snizz like it was going out of fashion.
But of course, instead of getting that mad race-car pussy, I'm writing a blog post....
To his credit, he did say that he had been doing martial arts training recently and that he would probably be better than me at that. And of course, if he did life weights then he would progress with the utmost speed.

This kid would rock the world of bodybuilding. Better just hope he doesn't 'decide' to become the world's strongest man

Meanwhile, I’m still in my fucking towel waiting to shower. Finally, after a short extra bit of interrogation about my job and how much money I make, I got to the shower. Interestingly enough, he asked: do you make 1700 Euros a month?
I have no idea about Euro conversions. I know what I make in roubles and that covers me getting drunk on the weekends, buying lube (and other essentials) and my rent.
I suppose when you have sub-par shoulders, you can always fall back on your salary...

As one last gambit he caught me on the way out (already fully showered and dressed) and tried to get me to give his daughter English lessons (over about the past year I've refused on at least three times to teach his kid). Sorry, fuck that, see ya later Zhenya.
Good luck with the shoulders.

The changing room can be full of adventures.

The importance of friends abroad

2011-01-30T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well last weekend got of to a bad start. Why last weekend and not this weekend? Because I'm lazy, that’s why. Disgustingly lazy.
So I had woken up on Saturday, around 13.00 with a refreshingly mild hangover -I had expected quite a bit worse.
As a nice extra, I had only water to drink and was pretty hungry. Usually I stop in the 24 hour Subway, get a 30cm sub and, in one foul swoop, I take care of my drunken hunger and my morning/midday breakfast. This time, however, I managed to drop my breakfast half of the Sub on the floor, right in the snow. I dusted it off and thought I could wrap it up, but my friend convinced me that it as a bad idea. He was probably right.

So there I was, with no food and just some plain, non sugary, non satisfying water to suck on. The fridge was empty too and my only choice of breakfast was jam. No jam and toast, no jam on a finely buttered croissant, just plain jam – on the spoon, right into my mouth.
It was what I imagined a drug addicts breakfast to be like. I wonder just how many jam-to-mouth breakfasts had served as rock bottom for so many addict?

can’t keep doing this shit man

The other reason that the night wasn’t so great is that my friend told me he was going to be leaving the motherland in about 2 months, which is what got me thinking about the importance of friends abroad. A person should always have a couple of reliable, decent friends wherever they are, but it can be hard enough finding them in your own country, let alone here. I’ve lost track of all the weird, strange twisted expats I've met here.

The problem find is that people never stay, it’s like I'm the last one left - the last crazed barnacle welded to mother Russia’s revolutionary teet. They come for a year and leave, maybe stay and work for a year and leave, but the end result is the same and the whole friend cycle starts again. And here I am, in the middle of the cycle, again. I think eventually, if Moscow doesn’t kill me (which it will, obviously), then I’ll end up loosing my mind faster than a stripper gliding down a pole lubed with tears.

Exactly

I do have one other good friend left from the ‘old days’, but the problem is, he’s a hermit who almost always refuses to travel to any metro station that is off his line. Let me tell you, it has to be some pretty special occasion to get his ass of that light-green line. So while there is always skype and facebook, you miss out on the social element. I'm just glad I have a group of good people to go out with on Friday or Saturday night to party with and have a good time. There really is nothing worse than staying in alone on a Friday or Saturday because there is nobody decent to hang with.
And girlfriends don’t cut it either. Even when I was living with my ex there was still a part of me that missed proper male interaction. Girlfriends just don’t appreciate the dead hooker jokes like the guys do...

But that’s life. My next goal entails focusing on not becoming that guy at the bar who is always on his own, starved for attention and just looking for any excuse to latch on to someone, anyone, for that precious human contact. I see those guys all the time, just waiting to suck you in with their tractor beam of loneliness and depression.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a pot of jam with my name on it...

Top five things that will kill you in Moscow

2011-01-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

Well the title of this post may make some of my two or three readers think that I have some hardon for all things macabre, although this is not the case (precisely the thing someone with a hardon for all things macabre would say). I was reading a book, possibly Freakonomics, or Superfreakonomics, can’t remember which, and there was a part in there about death which got me thinking about this post.

As it turns out, most people fear death in its extreme, most destructive forms: a plane falling from the sky, a terrorist subway bomb, a crazed shark or drunken stereotype Russian bear, riding a unicycle around Red Square, massacring tourists with a golden Kalashnikov. They don’t think about other smaller things that might lead to death, like eating 5 kroshka kartoshas a day.

Time to clog some serious artery

Seeing as how the probability of those things happening is extremely low, I thought about some of those daily Moscow realities and just which one would be the end of me, so this, dear comrades, is my list of the top five things most likely to get you, Russian style.

5 Stray dogs

Oh yeah, I fucking hate those stray bastards - sorry dogs. I did a post ages back that summed up my bad feeling toward them and non-leashed dogs, in fact HERE it is. I’ve got nothing against the care-free dogs, frolicking in their freedom (like the lovable rogue from Lady & the Tramp) I do, however, have of problem with the rabid crazies that are just itching to rip my crotch out or, a better case scenario, just bite me and give me some of that sweet rabies action.

Screw that

I’ve had a few run up to me and, luckily, never been bitten. I always keep an eye on them and the nearest stick or stray-dog smashing weapon. It’s not uncommon for people and kids to be attacked by them either, just turn on the news. Although, when I’m drunk, I quite often make a fuss of them or give them food so that will probably be when I get struck. But there are more common things than dogs around, namely:

4 Icicles

The last thing I want is a fat ice spear through my ushanka (although I don’t actually wear an ear-flapping ushanka). A less lazy man would dig up some hard stats on icicles, but I’m not here for the facts. My eyes, however, tell me all I need to know. It’s become a habit of mine to always look up at the roofs, check out the ice situation and proceed to loop right around the place. The dvorniki clean them of sure, but with the cold and the snow, there’s always that risk.

this risk

So keep your eyes on those roofs! But roofs aside, no list would be complete with crazy Russian driving!

3 Mad car drivers

The cars I have in mind are the ones I hold my hand out and use as taxis. Again, I did a post about this a long time ago HERE and when I tell people in England about how it works, people naturally think that that it’s a roller rape-homicide on wheels, but usually that’s not the case.

The danger here usually lies with the flagger of the car, a lesson I learnt myself-by trying to get the most rock-bottom price.

Two episodes are fresh in my mind where I thought, this may very well be my last trip.

One time was when it was late, coming up for 1 am. I had been to the cinema and was in need of a car, a cheap car and naturally there weren’t too many about. I haggled with a few until I found the one. By the time I had got in and the possibly drunk driver told me that the door was broken and I would have to hold it closed, it was too late.

Apart from holding the door physically closed with my hand, I noticed the back of the seat was broken, so no leaning back in pimp style. To add to the adventure, the guy seemed a bit crazy, he was waffling about some shit and I could quite easily imagine him nonchalantly telling me about his dead hooker collection.

Didn't quite learn my lesson though

The second adventure involved a crazy Georgian who managed to rip me off very badly (which is why I now I prebook taxis from the airport. Man am I sick of listening to haggling taxi drivers talk shit about having to pay 500 rouble parking, looking for the next sucker foreigner). The rip off was partly due to circumstance too mind, but I clearly remember the biblical-style rain hammering down on the highway while this lunatic fuck (who kept calling me ‘droog’ in his Georgian accent) hammered the hell out of his shitbox 1970 lada, aquaplaning over the puddles and all.

Honest to god I thought that thing was going to crash out big time with me being just another victim of some dickpole shit driver. To make matters worse, he dragged me the scenic route, all around the fucking city, no map, no satnav (again, dickpole) and then charged me the most I’d ever been charged.

Naturally he probably thought I didn’t realize what he was up too, some naive English guy, suckered into his genius web of deceit, but I did. When I started getting pissed off, my then-girlfriend who was in the car with me, told me to keep buttoned, although she was probably right.

He seemed like one of those ridiculous hothead Georgian guys who would just be calling you droog one minute and slicing your dick off the next with his rusty stabbing blade. But saving money on streets cars aren’t the only road risks.

2 Marshrutka

If you are a reader who is not in Russia or Moscow and don’t know exactly what a marshrutka is, it’s a converted minivan and an alternative to the bus. This is what they look like:

Luxury style

I suppose this could have been rolled into one ‘death from driving on Russian roads in general’, but I like to be specific, damn specific. Usually you have to take a marshrutka when your other travel options are limited. If you end up in that big strip club in the sky on this trip, you can rest easy knowing that it wasn’t because you tried to save a buck or two.

There are so many marshrutka accidents daily, it’s crazy. I used to have to ride two every day and sometimes four, but the death factor comes from the drivers’ insane driving. They rush all over the place, trying to get it as many passengers as quick as possible. They are not just shit drivers, they are crazy about it too.

I remember sitting in one and the guy was just crashing through the gear box, clearly not grasping the uber complex system of ‘clutch in, change gear, clutch out’. How he didn’t wreck the thing, I’ll never know.

The fact is, they drive like something out of GTA and I couldn’t be happier that I don’t need to use them anymore. That way, I can free myself up for being impaled by a rogue icicle. Also, the lines in the morning for the marshrutka are shit.

Good morning traveller!

1 Lifts

Now how many of you out there have that moment, when you get into that ex-Soviet lift, press the button and think: shit, this lift looks dodgy as hell. I have, many, many times. In fact, one thing that made me add this post to the list was a dream I had yesterday about a lift I was crashing down in. I’ve had many of those, should have taken the stairs moments. Like this one.

Come on in

If you’re in Russia, you might notice that it takes some serious work to get a lift replaced. Usually one has to come crashing down before it gets replaced. According to the Moscow Times, about 20 are in worn down and bad condition.

Of course, there’s the human aspect too. Quite I few times I’ve seen a sign saying ‘maximum five people’ and in inside are 8, jammed in like sardines. But Russians never were ones to take notice of signs…

I’m just glad the building I work in has new lifts now, although every now and then the ole’ lift, or elevator for you Americans, paranoia kicks in.

So there you have it, take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy that marshrutka ride!

First post of 2011!

2011-01-08T05:48:00.000-08:00

Well I’ve managed to get around to updating the blog, finally! (sadly not the first time I've opened a post with that line)

I’m enjoying the Russian holidays from work right now and thought that, being back in the UK until the 16^th(I get until the 16^th while I get my new visa processed, since the Russians aren’t working here until the 11^th, it gives me a bit of extra holiday).

I thought I'd be a prolific blogging machine, but that sure aint the case. Every time I’d be planning a post, something would come up. Like 10 pages of translation the other day (nothing like sweet, tax-free, work-on-the-side dollars, or roubles to be more specific). Even today I got some other work in, but I’ll take care of this post first!

I thought that I’d blast out a small entry on how my New Years went down, seeing as my other ‘cool’ blog ideas are all scribbled down on a piece of paper which is lying on my room floor in Moscow…

It stated out with me going to work - already a bad start, although I didn’t really care.

After I went in and did what I needed to do, I could have just gone home at 12.00, but I figured that seeing as I don’t get much done at home (pleasure myself, weep and repeat ) I’d just stay at work at get stuff done. At that point I was wondering what awesome plans people had for seeing in 2010. One of my friends was going to be out with his devushka somewhere and my other friend that was left in Moscow was going to be with his devushka and a husband and wife militsia tag team

just like this, just with more corruption

Being some weird fifth wheel at a party like that was just something I couldn’t handle, I mean, I fucking hate the militsia as much as a Russian from Moscow hates a Russian from anywhere other than Moscow, an vice-versa.

Although I was amused when a Russian girl I work with called and we had the following exchange, I won’t translate it, 1 because I’m lazy and 2, consider it Russian practice:

- как будешь новый год отмечать?

Ну друг вот предложил мне с ним, своей дувушкой и парочкой муж-жена милиционеров отметить, нo нафиг я буду с мусором отмечать

- мы брат милицонер...

I was amused by this. But still, grateful as I was for the invite, being the odd one out where there are couples around was never my bag, especially when one couple was militsia. I could imagine them being drunk and then the head militsia husband forcing me at gunpoint to film him and his weird wife do horrible sex acts, while he threatened to tear up my registration.

So the day rolled on and I rolled home at about 5 or 6. Still having no idea what to do, I watched an episode or ancients behaving badly on youtube and had a nap. Woke up, still no plans. Decided to go to the bar and see what was up, I though maybe it might be really great with Russians getting all festive and whatnot.

But unfortunately, this was the scene I arrived to:

One of my friends from England was there and i chatted to him for a bit before he left for some club that he had pre-ordered a ticket for, he invited me to join, but at 4000 roubles per ticket, i decided not to go. I thought maybe things would liven up. They didn’t. So I had some food, watched the president’s speech, listened to the anthem and headed home.

Fortuity I suppose, my crazy flatmate had her friends round and the kitchen was bumping. Oh how they love that kitchen!

Although my flatmate is on the crazy side, her friends are relatively normal, despite them being producers and the like, generally what you would call ‘creative’ types.

The vodka shots flowed, the guitar was being strummed and classic Кино songs were sung. Generally I managed to get quite drunk and have a pretty good time. I floated back to my room at about 6am and all over, New Year’s wasn’t so bad.

So a late happy new year! I’m going to be trying to get back and be a bit more regular on the blogging, that’s my NY resolution.

Russians backing anti-police rage

2010-11-28T05:26:00.000-08:00

Vladimir Savchenko takes me into his son Roman's bedroom to show me his school photographs and collection of toys neatly arranged on a shelf.

"He won lots of prizes in athletics," says Mr Savchenko, fingering a clutch of medals hanging on the wall.

"But he liked kick-boxing best."

The 17-year-old is now behind bars awaiting trial. He is the youngest of the six men who declared war against law enforcement officials this year. The group, which called itself the "Primorsky Partisans", became notorious across Russia.

In a video, made while they were hiding in the forest, the young men wear army fatigues and hold guns. Stripped to the waist, Alexander Kovtun, the group's leader, directly addresses the police:

"This is not some spontaneous act," he says. "No. We planned it and did it on purpose, to kill you gangsters, because you are the real criminals. You provide cover for drug-trafficking, prostitution and the theft of wood from our forests."

The young men come from the remote village of Kirovsky in Russia's Primorye, or Maritime, region near the Chinese border. It is seven time zones east of Moscow.

I went there to meet their families and to try to discover why the youths took the law into their own hands.

Police brutality

The Savchenko family live in a decrepit block of flats with rusting balconies and rubbish-choked stairways. Over coffee, Roman's father, a truck driver, complains about the large bribes he has to pay to stop officers from confiscating his driving licence.

Nine years ago, his elder son Valentin died in a police station after getting involved in a street fight.

Then, earlier this year, Roman was arrested and accused of stealing a lawn-mower. Mr Savchenko denies his son was involved but claims the police tried to beat him into confessing the crime.

"They roughed him up so badly that he joined the group of other young guys seeking revenge on the police."

One of them was Roman's school friend Andrei Sukhorada. From the age of 13, the police would arrest the boys every time there was trouble in the village, according to Andrei's sister Natasha.

The breaking point came in 2008 when a fight broke out at a disco. Natasha says Andrei was hurt and taken to hospital but when he came out he was abducted by local police, driven into the forest and beaten."They would charge them with all sorts of crimes," she says. "They tortured them by putting black plastic bags over their heads and blowing cigarette smoke into them."

She says he was stripped of his clothes and left to die in sub-zero temperatures 10km (six miles) from the village. Andrei survived, but the family claims its complaint to the prosecutor was ignored.

In a building made of white breeze-blocks, I meet the acting head of the police station, Major Vasily Skiba. He denies all the allegations made by the families of the group about beatings by his officers and says all complaints from the public get investigated.

Then he switches on his computer, asks for my USB memory stick and transfers some video clips. They seem to show the young men driving round the town throwing snowballs and shouting abuse. They also yell "Allahu Akbar!" - Arabic for "God is great!"

'Dirty acts'

But if Andrei and his friends really were nationalistic skinheads, as some suggest, why were they saluting Islamist fighters? Could it be a sign that they were angry enough about police abuse to side with anyone who opposes the Russian state?

The group struck for the first time in February in the regional capital, Vladivostok, when the members killed a traffic policeman.

Three months later, they stabbed another policeman to death, and attacked police cars, injuring more officers.

The authorities launched a manhunt with tanks and helicopters. They tracked the groups down to a flat on the Chinese border.

Andrei Sukhorada and his friend Aleksandr Sladkikh died in a shootout with police. The remaining two were captured and are facing life in prison.

In the prosecutor's office in Vladivostok, spokeswoman Avrora Rimskaya condemns the group.

"We cannot justify the acts of people which go against society," she says. "No matter how loud their slogans are. They say loud words but commit dirty acts."

Public support

But to the authorities' disgust, many ordinary Russians back the "Primorsky Partisans". Graffiti across the city reads "Glory to the Partisans" and "Partisans your courage will not be forgotten".

On the seafront, a young sailor tells me the police deserved the treatment they got and added that it "was a brave thing for six guys to do".

Two-thirds of Russians fear the police, according to the country's leading opinion pollster, the Levada Centre. Brutality is commonplace and corruption endemic.At the car market, another young man is blunter. "They did the right thing - the police are just legalised bandits," he says. In Moscow, 71% of callers to a popular radio station supported the description of the youngsters as "Robin Hoods".

President Dmitry Medvedev has promised to clean up the force with a police reform bill now going through parliament. Critics say it is more about preventing whistle-blowing than genuine change.

Mikhail Grishankov, chairman of the parliamentary security committee, sighs noisily when asked about the group.

"They are bandits and my opinion is, of course, negative, but you have to ask why it happened," he says.

Even this former KGB officer who is loyal to the Kremlin admits that the public distrusts the people who are supposed to protect them.

"The support they got shows society has lost trust in the police."

By Lu cy AshBB C News, Vladi vostok, Russia

Why do Russians love sitting in the kitchen so much?

2010-11-21T02:27:00.000-08:00

I think this will be a shorter post on Russians sitting in the kitchen. That’s right, I am scraping the bottom of the blog barrel on this one!

Actually, this is just something that annoys me from time to time and as we know, half my blog posts are me ranting about ridiculous bullshit

my next rage-inspired blog post

So, like I mentioned in previous posts, I live with two chicks. We all have our own rooms and a decent sized kitchen.

Now when I’m at home, I chill in my room, usually I eat in my room too since I’m usually watching some documentary about something online. Everyone else lives in the kitchen - possibly because there is a sofa there...

I have no idea what the attraction is.

Their rooms are pretty big but they have their laptops and all set up in the kitchen. When they have gosti (guests) round to visit, they have the music going and the door shut, like it's their own private entertainment room. Naturally, the only think that interrupts them is when I float in and out in my flamboyant leisure pants and Lenin slippers to make a cup of tea.

You thought I was kidding?

Possibly there is something strange in that I don't like being in the kitchen, maybe I'm missing out. Now the actual point of this post it that about a month or so back there was a bit of a turf war in the kitchen between flatmates.

Olga, one of the concubines I live with was on holiday for a while and her friend (along with her English boyfriend) came to live in her room for the time while she was away. I’m guessing because they didn’t want to pay for a hotel, can’t say I blame them.

Anyway, even though he was English, together they made one of the most passionate kitchen-sitting couples I ever met.

Every day I would come home and they'd be in there, cooking up a storm and duel skyping.

As usual, I waltz in and out, exchanging a bit of banter on the way with the English guy about how stuff is too expensive, while throwing in a couple of sexist jokes to forge our male bond.

Anyway, these guys never left the kitchen, which brought them into conflict with my other, slightly crazy flatmate. Clearly two people can’t be sitting in there and doing their own thing, one cooking, the other one skyping and the third trying to blast out some music.

I actually enjoyed this situation, seeing as how I was out of the picture. Walking in to the kitchen to hear the English guy chatting away super loud on skype, his girlfriend joining in and crazy flat mate sat opposite, pumping out shit music. it was ridiculous geopolitics on a kitchen-sized scale.

I enjoyed her annoyance. Every time she came home, they'd be in there cooking and making noise. Having people in a common space like the kitchen all the time can get annoying and for once, the queen kitchen sitter and gosti-inviter was tasting some of that sweet irony.

Also, this 'crazy' flatmate sometimes has sex in there, no joke. It’s a good thing it's late enough that I don't fancy a cup of tea or anything, otherwise shit could get awkward (or, I could join in and it would be great, but in the morning, after taking an endless shower to wash away the shame, things would, inevitably, get back to being award).

hello again, old friend...

Getting that work permit

2010-10-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

While getting the medical checks for my work permit two weeks back I had one of those moments I like Russia for, but before I go into that, I'll mention a little bit about the work permit process.

This, if I get it, will be my first legit work permit, the thought almost brings a tear to my eye as my semi-illegal system-abusing reign comes to end.
So I had my list of things to get and they included:
passport, visa, registration, medical spravka (заключение о состоянии здоровья иностранного гражданина) and copy of apostiled and notorised diploma.
Now being I have no diploma, this is an issue. I gave them a copy of my level three Russian cert with a letter from the faculty confirming that it was me who did it. It's not like I’m working as a brain surgeon so I’m hoping this will fly, although the HR didn't seem too hopeful, they'll just need to bribe more I guess. When the HR guy was talking to my boss, he mentioned that the process normally takes three months and that they get it for 1.5 months, so you now something’s going on.

Something like this...

Speaking to my other foreign friends who have permits, they said they didn't need to provide anything, although by law they should need to. Some didn't need to provide the medical thing and some just had to have the clean aids cert so it's all very puzzling.

As for the diploma, they actually want the thing that says 'comrade X graduated' with all the pretty bells and whistles - grades are irrelevant. Instead of my language cert, which states what spheres I can work in and which is far more relative to this job, they wanted something saying I finished college (college in England isn't like college in the US). I explained that we just get the grades, not a pretty piece of paper and also that Spanish and history were not exactly relevant to my work here, but there I go again with that logic!!

So I went to get my medical business done. Now, not every clinic provides these health certs for foreigners and Russians (Russian require them sometimes too) and I found one that some other American chick went to, but I was short on time - I was told I needed all the docs on friday evening and that everything had to be ready for the next Friday and I had to get all the other stuff too.
So I called the place on two different occasions and asked about whether I could get an urgent service and they told me I could, in one hour none the less! (of course, I should have stopped believing what Russians tell me on the telephone a long time ago)

So I get down there, pay my 1800 roubles and get started: first with fluorography (which does the same job as an Xray). Below is a picture of where they do the flurography, check it out.

at this point I was pretty sure a rape was on the cards

They guy in there was quite friendly and inquisitive about where I work, what education I finished (Russians like that one) and the importance of studying in general, plus a bit of background on his life. The equipment was fresh out of the 70s but I guess it worked just fine.
Before I left he wished me a successful life and said that he hoped everything worked out for me.
I think he may have had a thing for younger-looking boys, but the sentiment was nice all the same.

Next was the taking of blood - nothing eventful, and then the other doc asked me two questions: 1) do you have any itches? 2) Is everything ok with your skin? And off you go!
That was it.
Back at reception they told me that I could collect the results in five days and I wondered why I ever believe anything anyone says on the phone! But when I explained that it was urgent, which it was, she sent me upstairs to see what could be done.
The girl upstairs said, well, how about I just put yesterdays date on it and print you out your spravka and stamp it?
Uh, sure thing.
Only in Russia my friends. There I was with my nice medical cert, five days before any results!!

Back at work the HR guy said that it wasn't the right type, shouldn't be on A4 and there should be a hologram (again, my friends never had this). When I called the clinic back thy insisted that the HR guy could call their main doctor, check with the FMS and so on and so on. So right now they're sorting it out between themselves.
Fingers crossed! But I did enjoy my little visit to the clinic

The art of paying too much for too little

2010-10-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Well I had some down time before things kicked off at work so I thought I'd get started on this little rant and save it for later publishing.

Now, this is loosely related to business English, and if you remember THIS article, then you'll know how I feel about that, although this particular blast is on the idiots who pay idiots to give them shit lessons for big bucks.

Of course, very rich, or just rich Russians paying outrageous sums of money for crap services or products is nothing new, we've all seen it and we've all had to fork out money on stuff that inst worth it. But what I don't understand is why would you pay so much more for something which is a completely unjustifiable cost? I'm not talking about paying more for a higher quality product here either (don't complain about this to a Russian woman who you might get lucky with - those panties will come right back up at the speed of light)

I mean, if you have the brains to make enough money to throw it away on bullshit, would you not stop and think the whole process was leading to nothing and you were seeing no improvements? Would you still pay a fitness trainer if after six months you had not made a grain of progress in either muscle growth or fat loss?

Hell no (or yes as the case seems to be). So when did everyone stop caring about results?

What sparked this of is a guy I know who makes 100,000 per month teaching (considering this is tax free, we can all agree that that's not too bad, especially when the average Russian wage is 20,000 per month and the whole world economy is fucked).

He doesn't speak a wisp of Russian, hates teaching and couldn't care less about his students, but all they same, these business dick heads fork over 2500 per 90 minutes. Now this price could only possibly be justified if maybe the client was far away and the lessons were top quality with a person who knows and enjoys what he's doing. I mean imagine you taking a language lesson from someone off the street who decided they were going to teach you and squeeze you for that easy money?

I know this guy, he's what I’d call an acquaintance, and I find it about as hard to imagine him doing a good job as I do a Russian babushka pole dancing (and I have a vivid imagination).

I find kermit more blog-appropriate than pole-dancing babushkas...

I'd never change more than 1000 per 60 minutes out of principle alone, then again, that's probably why I'm not rich. A lesson just isn’t worth that much, no matter how awesome or special we think we are, it’s just a fucking English lesson and besides, the work of learning a language is almost 100% dependant on the individual and motivation anyway.

Although, maybe we're all guilty of this retarded spending to some extent, like for example every time we visit shokolandnitsa.

I was sat in there other day, drinking a fricking shot glass of coffee for 150 roubles, looking at some ten year old kid in a suit (I shit you not) and listening to him boasting about how he had сто баксов (100 bucks) to a younger girl. Imagine that, at the tender age of ten he is already a blossoming dick head.

(Here I should mention that he was with his parents and the parents of the girl)

But like a lovably addicted crack addict, I always vow I won’t end up back in Shokoladnitsa, but somehow I always do - usually when I'm on the road and have an hour to kill.

Maybe I should have offered oligarch Jr. some 'elite' business English lessons and got some of that sweet payday action…

After writing this, two particular Penn & Teller bullshit episodes came to mind. Seriously check them out if you have the time: http://www.megavideo.com/?v=KRQPTS1H
http://www.megavideo.com/?v=XDI2QOGB

A slight change in getting business visas

2010-10-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well here I am, crafting another fine blog post for the 2-3 super-awesome people that follow my blog. I'll keep you in mind when I reach blogger super-star status and start making the big bucks, but in the mean time, I’m actually writing this from work, the office none the less! A first for me, slaving in the field of tears - Russian style.

I would go off on a tangent about efficiency here and whatnot, but I’m going to get right down to business. The filthy business of...

This is nothing ground breaking, but I thought it would be worth mentioning since I guy I know from New Zealand recently got refused a visa because of it.

Basically, now you need to make sure that when you write/have you business invitation letter written, you must and I stress, must mention somewhere the inviting party (i.e. the weird fake company that gives out the invitation). Before, this wasn't essential.

Before I never included it and everything was fine and so it was this time, but I made sure I included it.

You just need to say that you will be visiting this organisation.

I'll be uploading a template of a business letter I use myself from a company that sort of doesn’t exist, you can use it as a template and change it around, although you'll need to make a nice header so it looks like company paper.

Again, this seems like nothing, but this guy from New Zealand I know, got refused, so keep it in mind.

When I asked him about his rejection, he had his panties all in a twist and was ranting that: "Now you need solid proof that your company is somehow linked to the inviting party on the visa. How the hell am I supposed to prove that?!"

We’re talking a real river of tears here, but of course, he doesn’t know Russia so well. That fact is, this 'solid proof' was just mentioning the address on the invitation evaded him.

Don’t forget, Russian bureaucracy likes it when all the boxes are ticked, what is actually in those boxes is of little coincidence, it's the way the mindset works. Trust me.

Hell, one phone call to any number I ever listed would be enough to debunk my ass right there, but again, the important fact is that a number is present.

And i do mean any number

Before you get your visas, always check with your visa agent of any rule changes and get the best advice possible.

If you're in Moscow and need an invitation, you can save some money, get it done here and simply bring it back to your home country and get it processed, that way you won’t need to pay for the express invitation service (if it’s urgent). Also, you can get a nice letter with a blue stamp saying that you are going to be visiting the inviting party.

A good place I use for this in Moscow is visa house (http://www.visahouse.com/), they answer e-mails all the time, great communication, speak English and they do registration too. In fact, you get a visa of an invitation they supply, then the first registration for three months is free. That’s right, a sweet deal in Moscow. Also, they can send it to you in pdf which, as we all know, saves that trip on metro and foot to their office. Hell, saved me time and money today!

How Bristol caught eye of Soviet spies

2010-10-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

How Bristol caught eye of Soviet spies

(I thought this was cool since it's my home town)

AT the height of the Cold War, the Soviets had built up a sinister understanding of every building in Bristol.

The extraordinary depth of Soviet intelligence about the city by the early 1970s is revealed in a series of chilling secret maps, being published for the first time today by the Evening Post.

The maps were compiled by the Soviets using satellite photographs, existing Ordnance Survey maps, and their own network of Soviet spies on the ground here in Bristol.

The map even features precise details of the width of roads and the depth of rivers – essential information in the event of an invasion or strategic missile attack.

Everything from Cabot Tower to Temple Meads station appears on the maps. The Council House is shown in red with a black outline – denoting its strategic significance.

Perhaps the most sinister detail is the inclusion of hundreds of marks denoting every individual mooring position in the Floating Harbour.

The Evening Post's headquarters at the time on Silver Street, and our current offices in Temple Way – which were only just constructed – both appear on the map.

Bristol Cathedral appears in great detail – with the shape of the building reproduced painstakingly on the map, but intriguingly, without any indication by the Communist cartographers of its status as a place of worship.

Some of the buildings highlighted as being of strategic importance to the Soviets include the old Wills Tobacco Factory in Bedminster, all the city's gas works, the Docks Railway, Temple Meads Cattle Market and the railway goods yard opposite Temple Meads, which no longer exists.

It is thought that these highlighted buildings would have been high on the Soviets' hit list in the event of the Cold War hotting up.

The maps are believed to be more comprehensive than any other historical maps in existence, as they also feature every single house in the city.

For historians, the detail of the Russian maps offer an intriguing insight into the changing face of the city – the M32 is not yet built, and the Castle Park area still has the pre-Blitz road layout and the occasional pub and shop still surviving.

The maps are only seeing the light of day after recently being purchased by the Landmark Information Group, who today launch a new website www.russianmaps.co.uk, where visitors will be able to freely view their own street as seen by the Russians, with the option of ordering special prints of the maps.

Russell Morris, of Landmark, says the maps only came to the West by accident.

"Following the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the Russians retreated out of the Baltic states in great haste, and all these intelligence maps were accidentally left behind in a railway carriage.

"They were sold to an American company, who kept them hidden away until this year when we purchased the rights to the maps.

"The maps range from the 1950s to the 1970s, and offer a fascinating insight into the Soviets' detailed understanding of a number of British cities.

"Some of the information for the Soviet cartographers came from satellite pictures, but the intricate detail came from spies on the ground.

"It's fascinating to think that there really was a network of Russian spies snooping around the streets of Bristol as late as 1972 – it's real James Bond stuff.

"But the most amazing thing is, these maps preserve details of our landscape and geography that might otherwise have been lost.

"Our website allows users to search for a particular area by OS map co-ordinates or postcode, so it's straightforward to examine how a particular neighbourhood was recorded by the Russians."

The activity of Soviet spies in Bristol in the 1960s and 1970s has previously been highlighted by the Ministry of Defence.

A secret 1960s report, which was made public by the Ministry of Defence in the 1990s, revealed how Bristol was a target for nuclear attack by the Russians during the Cold War, with Filton Airport listed as one of dozens of sites throughout the country which would have been obliterated during a nuclear war. The Ministry of Defence has estimated 43 million people in Britain – about 80 per cent of the population – would have been killed or seriously injured by a Soviet nuclear strike.

The MoD also revealed at the time that more than 100 Russian spies were expelled from the country in 1971 to protect the Concorde project at Filton.

(taken from this is bristol . com )

An ode to the real muzhik

2010-09-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

Well it’s been a while, sorry about that.
My work schedule has changed and I’m still getting into the swing of things (although given stability of Russia being what it is, I’ll probably out of the job, jerking of homeless guys in no time).
Another reason I’ve been a bit less active is that I’ve teamed up with my American friend and have been abusing my body with alcohol and women on the weekends. The result is me crawling around the flat in my pants in what would otherwise be prime blogging time.

But back to business…
This little post is actually based on my friend’s experience, but it was too good not to blog about.
For those who don’t know, a muzhik, or more importantly a ‘real’ muzhik is what Russians say when they mean ‘real man’. Why this is significant is because the one thing all foreign and Russian men have in common is that we have all been accused of not being real muzhiks at some point. Now, the criteria vary from woman to woman,but the point is the same - You have a Russian girl for long enough and you’ll hear those magic words, cast lovingly in your face.

You often hear it when you are being character assassinated, for example, she is listing your flaws and telling you that a real muzhik doesn’t behave like this, sometimes they’ll add: “are you a real man, or what? (ты не мужик, что ли?) to which the answer is always no, even if you are a Clint Eastwood-tony soprano hybred.
While getting blasted by your girl for being a dick and not a real muzhik, they will often reference one of their friends (eg. Sergey would never do a thing like that, he’s a real muzhik!!) who just happens to be the epitome of muzhikness.

fig 1. a real muzhik (maybe)

This last point brings me to my friend, the American.
So for a long time, his girlfriend had been singing the muzhik praises of her one Russian friends. He was supposedly generous, a fiend with the ladies and a grade-A drinker who could always hold his own in any testosterone-fueled drinking session.
One night a couple of weeks ago, my friend’s girlfriend introduced them and all three went out drinking.
The night ended with the real muzhik, nay, the ultimate muzhik, pooping his pants (fully) and vomiting everywhere, taxi included.

When they got back to where they were staying, the two of them helped him puke some more and then my friend had to really step in.
His girlfriend wanted to wash the guys clothes which meant only one thing: my friend, the American muzhik, had to strip the guy naked, put him in the tub and sponge bath him like it was1999. Now, how in depth the cleaning process went is anyone’s guess, but washing naked, drunken Russians is never a great thing, especially when pooped pants are involved.

After he had been put in the recovery position so as not to choke on his own vomit and die in the night, the night was over.
When the muzhik woke up in the morning, he was as clean as a whistle (perhaps even suspiciously clean) and all his clothes were washed and dried for him. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

So next time you get given shit about being a real muzhik, just remember that sometimes, ‘real’ just isn't so ‘real’.

A metaphor for Russia

2010-08-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write this for a while but haven't got around to it, until now that is!

I'm not going to writing anything particularly new or ground breaking, but rather highlighting some things about the nature of the country, at least as i perceive it.

I suppose what i have to say comes out sounding negative and I make heavy references to corruption, but this is not a post solely on corruption (I did one of those already), it’s just that corruption is such an integral part of the Russian system that I cant just leave it out!

My metaphor for Russia

Imagine you are a patron to a cafe, Coffee House perhaps... So there you are, sitting down, sipping the coffee from your tiny cup that you paid 250 roubles for and, hell, maybe you’re even doing some super important work on your laptop. The laptop is important because it lets other people around know that you are working on something pretty fucking important, maybe a novel, or maybe you’re doing some big business on the stock market.
The general experience and atmosphere is ok for you, sure the coffee was a bit overpriced but the waitress was hot. For all general purposes life in the coffee house is good.
Now, were someone to ask you what was going on behind the scenes, back in the kitchen or office, you would probably wouldn’t know or care, I mean common, you’re writing the master piece of the century for shit sake!
The reality is that a lot of very fucked up things are happening in that back kitchen, stuff straight out of an episode of the Sopranos, but we don’t all see and experience it, therefore it is of little interest. Why would an expat or student think to themselves: why is the pension fund so low in the capital city of Russia? Why do corrupt politicians rob their own country dry? Why would anyone feel the need to work on their laptop in Coffee House?

This is how I see Russia, as the cafe in the above example. Of course the paradox is that, despite the system being rotten to the core with cancer, it doesn't mean that it doesn't function and it doesn't mean that life is bad for everyone.
A lot of expats and Russians live nice lives here, they have families, good jobs, friends and few encounter anything other than the minor scale bribing (businessmen are exempt from this of course).
But the real fact is that almost every system on every level is infected to the core, the question is will you ever experience it? Everything has a price tag and anything can be done, any system defiled, if you have the connections and cash.
If you think this sounds silly or impossible, go up to any Russian on the street and ask them: Is it true that in Russia, if you have money, you can do anything? I guarantee 100% will say “Hell yes”.

Systems in action

The court systems are useless and every judge is up for bribing or intimidation, the honest ones can easily be removed (I don’t mean getting whacked). If your wife was getting sexually harassed and you decided to sue the boss a-la America, you’d loose. Why? Because the boss has the influence and the contacts (this article may be of interest to those interest in sexual harassment in Russia). If that boss wants your wife, she’ll have to get a new job or start playing his game.

Rich parents can get their kids any education they want, just buy it and that’s that. It’s all a matter of cost.

I’m not even going to mention the milisia, the most inept and retarded bunch of cock suckers on the planet. Got no brain? no prospects? Join the militsia and abuse your power - all day, everyday! Anyone who has had any dealing with the Russian police knows the score. Of the lot, about 2% are probably decent.

Got a business? better make sure you bribe the tax inspectors (they’ll always find something to get a bribe of you, clean as you might be). Shit, I was talking to a Russian business owner on the weekend about shake-downs and extortion was talking about how he’d like to live in Germany where things were ‘stable’. “It’s impossible here, I don’t even know how i do business. Everyone is in your pockets”.

The mentality of people in power

It’s a known fact that politicians all over the world are prone to dishonestly, they love power too much and in Russia it’s no different, just far worse and far more brazen. As for other jobs like policeman, tax inspector, bureaucrats, lawyers, judges - the sole motivation for most of them is to abuse the system. The whole goal of their existence is to extort and abuse whatever rule they need to in order to make their money, because you sure aren't going to survive on that official wage (all the expensive things they buy simply get registered under other peoples names).
This, in essence, makes most rules, laws and procedures utterly superfluous. Oh sure, they sound nice on paper, but the reality is that you bribe or swindle your way past it. The people whose job it is to uphold these system couldn't care less - they prefer the bit where they get some money for wielding a rubber stamp.
The result is the type of cancerous system I mentioned above. Here, bribing and corruption is the system and it functions in its own odd way.

As for democracy and freedom of speech in the true sense of the words, there is none and you’d be a fool to think there was. My flatmate is a journalist and she’d be more than happy to tell you what it’s like. As for democracy, have a guess who will win the next election? Although Russia is a specif place and requires a specific brand of democracy.

The result
Of course, this all sounds pretty bad and it is, but at the same time life goes on and, as i mentioned before, people can make nice lives for themselves, Russians and foreigners alike and enjoy their time here, after all, there’s a lot of beautiful parks, history and a very interesting feel to the city.

No country is perfect and each has corruption and other issues but this is just my opinion on Russia, since that’s what my blog is. I meet a lot of different Russians from a lot of different walks of life and these are the opinions i developed.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Russia and I’m not a pessimist but at some point, you look at what’s happening to other people around. Pretending this shit doesn’t go on around you makes you an idiot, not an optimist or a super patriot.

PS: Inopronas, if you translate this, don’t miss out whole sections and paragraphs, take it as it is!

Speed dating a-la Moscow

2010-07-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

The other week I was sat in McDonald's, reading an expat newspaper while doing other cliche expat things when I stumbled across an add for a speed dating company. I decided this would be a laugh if I could get my friend to tag along.

Now don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a move out of loneliness (said the author, reaching for the industrial-size Kleenex box), but more to do something different.

I convinced my friend pretty easily as he is basically what society would class as a sex pest anyway, although I should state that he’s 15 years older than me, an ex farmer and ex-vagrant to boot.
The sight of his roughness, mixed with my baby face, never fails to create mixed impressions, but he laughs a lot and this seems to get him the pussy, so yeah.

Finding the place
We met an hour earlier to make sure we found the place and would have time to let the sweat dry, because we all know what is going on with the weather right now.
Firstly, I didn't know the exact name of the place, but had a google map which led to us going to the wrong place first, which was good seeing as it was far too upmarket for our, arguably, scruffy asses.

While looking at the map like a couple of dicks, I had the fortune of noticing that a guy, who somewhat resembled a Chechen rebel, was getting blown in a big black car the the right of us.

Pretending not to notice, I pointed this out to my friend and we both stood there awkwardly while a bright blonde head bobbed rhythmically up and down.

Obviously my reserved English upbringing forced me to move on, but that’s just the way it is these days. Hell, the guy could have got out of the car and fucked her right there on the street and I’d have still awkwardly pretended I didn’t see what was transpiring. But what else is there to do? Knock on the window and demand she stop giving him head?

Moving on, we found the place and luckily it was very close.
While my ex-farmer friend headed off to the bathroom to completely soak and wring dry his shirt (he has even worse sweat issues than me and this is his anti-patch technique) I sat at the bar and ordered a bar and a water.
The cost was 500 roubles and I became enraged.

The 'date'

The event was pretty low key with nine women and seven guys (two didn’t show). Fortunately, our Russian ‘competition’ was also pretty scruffy so that put us at ease.
The female situation wasn’t too great (as you can probably imagine) but not too bad, although I was the youngest there and my friend was the oldest.

However, the fact that two of the guys were missing did allow me to whimsically remark to each female that: "As usual мужиков не хватает". Needless to say, I was amused.

Each ‘date’ was ten minutes which was short, but in fairness, I could have come to the same decision in like three minutes. I talked a fair bit of shit I suppose and was asked a lot of the same questions, which is to be expected.
At the end, you fill out a card and tick who liked (it was called a карта симпатии).

Understandably, these were older women (anyone who knows Russian women, knows that they go a bit insane if they’re not married at like 24) and consequently were probably looking for some financially stable guy of 35, which a good sense of humor, fat wallet and a wang like a trunk (and this is me being optimistic). I, alas, am not these things but despite that, I did get one match.

Of course, the problem is that my match was an accident. The basic arithmetic of selecting the numbers of your ‘likes’ was too much for me (which is why i like languages, not math). I actually wanted to select number 3, but fucked up (oddly enough, I put another two down as well but my friend pointed out that I had selected the wrong numbers). Essentially, I could have accidentally made all the wrong selections which, admittedly, would have led to an amusing, if not awkward results.

I can imagine showing up on some date, seeing the wrong one and the whole incident turning into some hilarious mix up from a wholesome 1980’s sitcom.

Exactly like this

I might e-mail my match something, or i might not, or maybe the order of events should be: stable work first, age- inappropriate acquaintance later.

All in all, the experience was ok, worth a try I think, if not for the potential of witnessing a lewd sex act alone. Funnily enough, my buddy actually got a match with the hottest one there, who was 15 years his junior (which is why you sly old expats love Russia so much!), of course, she may have been arithmetically challenged too, but who knows...

A strange, yet pleasant supprise

2010-07-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well this is just a short one I thought I'd hammer out real quick...
So I'm sat in my new place, on the floor, smashing my way through all seasons of Mad Men while I wait for some news from my boss-to-be. Here I should state that my state of mind is somewhat precarious as It's been 2 weeks with no pay (all my lessons are on holiday too) and I have no idea as to whether this lady, in whose business venture I have invested my faith, has her head up her ass.

I'm sure that, as usual, I will have put all my eggs in one great big retarded basket and the result will be the usual - me getting rammed by the almighty fist of Russian justice.

Now, I'll let that image sink in and get to the point.
While looking to see who's been visiting, I noticed a link to a site which I took a look at.
The site is called InProNas - иностранная пресса о нас, and there, to my supprise, there was one of my articles translated into Russian (I actually really liked the translation).

So my posts that are so often written in my underpants and fueled by rage, are being secretly translated into Russian - who'd have thought it!
I also found a Russian review of my blog on some weird site a while back too, again, a strange but nice supprise.

Anyway, here is a link for those who fancy reading it in Russian: http://www.inopronas.ru/society/227.html

Drowning deaths out of control

2010-07-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

© RIA Novosti. Ruslan Krivobok

Drowning deaths are out of control

by Vlad imir Kozl ov at 15/07/2010 20:23

This summer, a record number of people have already drowned in Moscow’s rivers and ponds, with swimming while drunk or in unsuitable places cited as the top causes.

The number of people who have drowned in Moscow since June 1 stood at 90 as of Thursday morning, the Business FM radio station reported, adding that five people drowned on Wednesday. “All of them were men,” a source in medical circles told Interfax, adding that mid-summer of last year, the number of victims had been a comparatively low 36.

“The main reason for the high death rate is consumption of alcohol in the anomalous heat,” Interfax’s source said. “In such weather, only people who want to die drink [alcohol] and then go swimming.”

On Wednesday evening, most people swimming in the rowdier section of Bolshoy Sadovy pond in northern Moscow, one of the few places within city limits where swimming is officially permitted, were consuming beer between swims, and some were even drinking vodka.

An obviously drunk swimmer, who wouldn’t give his name, said he knew that combining swimming with alcohol consumption was dangerous but didn’t care, using obscenities in an apparent attempt to bolster his point.

A lifeguard was meanwhile sailing around the pond in a boat, apparently paying little attention to the fact that some swimmers were noticeably inebriated.

This week, Komsomolskaya Pravda reporters tested the lifeguards at Moscow’s beaches by pretending that they were drowning, and came to the conclusion that a swimmer drowning in an area monitored by lifeguards is likely to be saved.

However, many residents choose to swim in the nearest pond or water reservoir, places that are often unsuitable for swimming and not monitored by lifeguards. There, their chances of being saved if something should go wrong are much slimmer.

“People go to the closest pond, which isn’t suitable based on hygiene standards and isn’t adapted for swimming at all, so you could cut yourself on construction site debris,” Vladimir Plyasunov, head of the Moscow city lifeguard service, told Komsomolskaya Pravda. “At such places, people drown more than anywhere else. In 90 per cent of cases, they are drunk men. In recent years, there has also been a new trend: many of those who drown come from southern republics [of the former Soviet Union]. They come to the water to have a bath. They don’t know how to swim, but they want to very much.”

This year’s abnormally hot summer has demonstrated that there is a shortage of places suitable for swimming in Moscow, an issue that city authorities prefer not to comment on. They blame the deaths solely on the swimmers themselves.

Incidentally, under the current administrative code, individuals swimming in an unapproved location could be fined up to 2,500 roubles.

Down and out in moscow

2010-07-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

So it’s been awhile since my last dance into blog land, but I’m back now – more impoverished and bitter than ever!

Coming back this time I was greeted with three problems straight out of the gate: finding a new place, getting work sorted, buying my next visa. I’m working my way through this now, although I have to say, my state of mind could be better off.

Finding a place

So as some of the three regular readers may know, I split with my girlfriend that I was living meaning it’s time to find a new place.

Initially I was worried that she would destroy all my stuff in some sort of mad female rage fire, but luckily, she didn’t.

Coming back, as I mentioned above, I’ve been living in my friend’s shoe box which, in itself, is no big deal, were it not for the fact that my friend is a 40 year-old neat freak, we have to share a room and he is a borderline sex addict...

This means I need to find a place to stay while he mercilessly porks his way through skank land online.

The flat is ok, the bed, or rather dustmatress, that I sleep on is serviceable but the building is pretty shit and the lift is one of those shit boxes that hasn’t been repaired for 40 years and that will, like it or not, kill you one day.

This was the actual staircase from Staircase to heaven

The lift (shame there is now scratch and sniff on this blog)

Comrade, prepare for sexuial assult

But getting back to business, I found a place on expat.ru in the flatmates section which I’ll be moving into on the 16^th so I already have that one goal taken care of, although the real monster is work.

Getting work sorted

Well here in lies the real problem for me.

I arrived back to find that everyone I have any form of interaction with is on fucking holiday and none of them told me. This means money going out and none coming in.

So here I am with all this information and price lists etc for my new boss and she’s off getting a sweet tan somewhere while I wither away from the heat in this shoe box.

Also, to cover my rent ill need to get some more teaching work and fast. I have an interview set up for next week but I don’t know what sort of client base the company has and how much I’ll be able to get, of course, things with my other job may go well and the teaching won’t be such of a big deal but who knows.

As of right now though, my savings will not hold for long and things pretty much need to go according to plan here, if not, I’m totally screwed and may find my ass on the next plane back to England.

Fingers crossed on this front.

The work visa

Now, my current business visa is good for three months which means I’ll need to get busy on the work visa real quick. The problem here is cash. I’ll need to pay 15000 upfront with my documents, but what with my upcoming rent and temporary shit fuck with work by doing this, I may run completely out of money. I’ve decided to wait a week until I get some things sorted before fork up the babki, the problem is the whole drawn-out bullshit processes can take up to 4-5 months, depending on what ineffective laws are changing on a weekly basis.

This means, I’ll end up shipwrecked and wheel spinning in England again after three months at the mercy of the purchased work visa.

Of course, if things with this job do go like shit, which they very well may, I think I’ll have to say adios to Moscow.

Watch this space...

Getting a visa and getting homeless

2010-06-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m still in England and will be, I guess, for about another month, which I’m fine with.

My two main things to work on now are my visa and finding a new place to live in Moscow, although the former is the more burning issue.

So I hit up the webz and go to the site I always use for visas (anyvisa), do a price crunch (all in all, with in invitation about £230) and then regret that I didn’t pick up an invitation in Moscow to reduce costs. There used to be a place I got business invitations from but this time around I clean forgot, but it would have been about 60% cheaper.

I must say tho, having filled out the visa form, I noticed it’s now more complicated than before, although nothing too bad. There were some questions that were a worry, like past employment and shit, even current employment!

I’ve been out of the official employment loop for so long that half my ass is off the grid. In Moscow nobody hires officially (you can only do this is you have temp residence) and I’m never in England for long enough to get a ‘proper’ job. I think the last time I worked a 9-5 officially was about 3 years ago (and it was a dead-ender anyway).

So what do you put on a visa application for a business visa when you have no employer? You make shit up and the web of ridiculous lies gets bigger. Where the form asked for the address and names to two previous employers, I included a fictitious Russian company that I had a work visa with (which I bought) and the second company was one I invented myself a couple of years back to get a business visa.

Two companies that don’t exist after which I tick the box saying that I haven’t lied with the purpose of obtaining a visa (wait until they see my photo shopped diploma!)

I find telling lies is much more agreeable in Disney cartoon form

One box which particularly amused me was one saying: have you ever helped anyone obtain a visa under false pretences which I actually have done and do all the time! (fuck, I even go into on my blog!)

So next I’ll be sending of the form and seeing if anyone checks anything this time, I suppose if they do I’m screwed but if not, it’s back for another dance in Russia – a homeless dance.

Finding a place to live

So if my web of forced bullshit holds strong, I’ll be back in Moscow and looking for a place to live. I recently split up with my girlfriend who I lived with which renders me, essentially, homeless (not for the first time I should say).

I guess I’ll live with a friend for a while and get my search on, although I won’t be using an agent, that’s for sure.

It will, undoubtedly, be stressful moving all my things and moving my ass out and then finding some overpriced shoebox in which I can wallow but we’ll see.

I guess the one saving grace is that now I’m single I am free to leave the country if I need to and it’s not a problem if I do get refused a visa (plus I can womanise again like it’s 1999!)

Oh well, I’ll get planning my next post in between work and whatnot.

Have a good week expats.

Visa run to the UK

2010-05-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well here I am, back in the UK, sipping on 5 o’clock tea getting ready to fill in anyone reading this blog about what's going on.

This time around I’m going to get a three-month business visa and when I get back I’ll get my documents together, some of which I made on Photoshop (diploma, cough...) to apply for a work visa. Of course, by apply I mean meet up with my favourite ex KGB pensioner Pavel and fork over some serious fear dollars.

I got to thinking: is it really worth jumping through the bullshit hoop again? No is actually the answer to this and I actually decided to wash my hands with Russia, but an offer I received changed my mind. Initially I was looking for a spot on the Russian female volleyball team as official oil boy but that didn’t work out so instead I’ll be acting as a representative for an online store looking to attract some English or American companies to flog their shit in Russia, to put it eloquently.

The money is low, commission is good, but the main features for me are freedom (no office and monkey suit) plus stable income and a means to do less teaching. If business develops well then I’ll be provided with an official work visa which would be a first for me.

So for a while, I’m not going anywhere and my blog will live on, but what if I had of come back? Here I noticed something interesting. Now I feel like I’m, in essence, stuck between a rock and a hard place in that there aren’t exactly shit heaps of opportunities for me in England and in Russia I’m a pseudo illegal immigrant who spends way too much time in his underpants writing furious blog posts and hammering small children on the PSN network.

I’ve basically become like a character in one of those prison films where they are eventually freed, only to find that they can’t cope with life on the outside and either reoffend to get back in for a slice of that hot prison loving or straight up top themselves.

I'm basically Brooks from Shawshank redemption

So i guess that’s the upshot. I’m going to give ole Russia another shot and see what happens. I don’t plan on teaching English in any shape or form as a career as it’s most definitely not my shot of vodka but it would be good if something worked out. I imagine if I did end up back in the UK I would end up in some dead-end job in some office in Bristol where I would inevitably be ‘that guy’ who lives in the past, retelling travel stories everyday to people who couldn’t give one solitary shit about how ‘once upon I time I lived in Russia’.

Anyhow, to go out on a positive note and not a soul-crushing one, here is a picture of a cute animal in a hat.

Russians abroad

2010-05-04T04:33:00.000-07:00

Well I just got back from Egypt and thought I’d knock out this little post about some of the curious things I noticed. The title is actually a bit misleading, as this more relates to the treatment of Russians Vs Europeans in all-inclusive hotels in places like Turkey and Egypt but you just try squeezing that mother into a title.

So when we got there my girlfriend told me to always speak English to the staff as they treat the Europeans better than the Russians. Didn’t really pay much attention as I thought it might just be a case of the everyone-against-Russia syndrome. But it turned out she was right. When I asked to have a room not on the first floor at reception they responded nicely at then put on out hotel bracelets, adjusted them and cut off the excess (you know, the bracelets you have to wear to show what hotel you are staying at). We go and sit down to see endless Russians floating around us trying to attach their bracelets and looking for scissors to cut off the excess. The first dose of preferential treatment had been received.

This theme continued throughout. We had waiters offer to bring our drinks over and had staff bend over backwards to blow us in any way possible.

Why all the attention?

Well, my theory is simply that Europeans are, generally, more polite, say thank you more and, possibly, tip more - although I’m not too sure about the last one. Also, I think a lot of the staff seem to like practising their English and jump at any extra chance.

As for Russian’s resting at these resorts, well they tend to be cold and seemingly rude to the staff, although the Russian habit of not saying thank you for everything is generally a cultural thing, not a case of individual rudeness.

My dad amusingly attributed it to “Russians treating staff like slaves”, of course that may not be the case, but to a person without much info on Russian culture (i.e. a majority of Europeans) this is what it looks like, hence why people always say Russians are rude.

I was discussing this with my girlfriend and we somehow got onto discussing generosity. As a partial defence she claimed that Russians are more generous (in quite a few respects this is actually quite true) and the debate ended with: “It’s better to be generous than say thank you two times”.

True enough maybe, but that certainly doesn’t affect the Egyptians’ desire to make sweet service love to us Europeans (this includes the tip-crazy Americans too, they love you guys).

A lot of Russian have noticed this and on the bus to the airport I was listening to one woman complain to the tour rep about it - she said: “как всегда, иностранцев облизывают, а Россия пошла нафиг” which translates to: As usual they suck up to the foreigners and give Russia the middle finger (not literal translation).

So there you go, getting the special treatment for a week, saying thank you profusely and loving it. What do you readers think, what causes the staff to be more polite to the Europeans? As always, feel free to comment.

(Ps, while searching Google for a picture named ‘special treatment’ for this post all I got was porn and even a bit of bestiality - got to love the interwebz)

Racism, anti-Semitism and America bashing in Russia

2010-04-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

Before I start, ill just say that this is my general opinion on some of the attitudes I have come across more than once in Moscow and yeah, the article doesn’t come out sounding like magic sunshine and rainbows but that’s just the way it is. I’m going to break this little gem into three parts that look at attitudes towards Jews, immigrant workers and Americans, yes that’s right, Americans (think of it as a bonus which is not really good or useful in any way).

Where do I meet the people lead to my opinion forming?

Well let me start by saying that I don’t encounter hundreds of them every day or anything like that - my opinion has been formed over the course of four years. I have met and still meet a lot of great Russians but, as you can see, the title of this post is not “nice people that I have met over the years”. The majority of my adventures were happening a couple of years back when I was actively partying and clubbing a lot and meeting a wide range of people. So my sources for my opinions include the people I met in clubs, bars, on trains, taxi/car drivers I talk to, TV and just things I hear out and about in the shops or gym etc.

On a side note, I’ve found the Russian car drivers (by this I mean unofficial taxi drivers) to be very progressive thinking and capable of disguising things like life in the Soviet Union compared with life now with balance and without too much bias.

Jews

Well, from what I can see, not a lot of Russians like Jews too much and from what I’ve read on Russian history, Russian Jews have never had it that easy, ranging from the Tsar right through the Soviet Union. Generally, I hear people refer to Jews as sneaky, that seems to be the main one and also greedy, one of the people teach once said “I don’t like Jews because their sneaky” and this was her whole reason (she also once said “I don’t like people from Voronezh because I think they are filthy” so not too much of a 'progressive thinker'). I have also heard quite often people say, he’s not Russian, he’s Jewish, even though the person was born and raised in Russia.

Sometimes I’ve heard people blame all the country’s problems on the Jews (because a number of politicians are Jewish) and the justification is simply that they don’t like Russia or they want to destroy Russia– that’s it. So how do you debate something with a person that fully believes there is some sort of world Jewish conspiracy against Russians? You don’t. You can’t bring any sense or facts to change a mind like that because the argument is illogical to begin with.

I mean, can you imagine if someone believes that there is a 50-foot penis circling around Jupiter that has a grudge against Russia and that is using its magic penis rays to make bad things happen. How are you going to prove that Russia's problems are not a result of this ill-wishing space phallus? You can’t so save yourself the stress.

The verdict is that there is general bad feeling towards Jews, maybe you think otherwise and if you do, please comment.

Immigrant workers

The attitudes toward immigrant workers here are pretty much the same as in England or in say, America, the difference being in England people love to hate the Polish, in America it’s the Mexicans and here it’s the guys from the caucus regions. The main two points that get mentioned are that they are stealing jobs (again, same shit you hear in the West) and that they are building poor quality housing that is dangerous/that will fall down one day and so on.

The only real difference between countries is that Russians are more publicly vocal about their attitudes and the militsia hassle anyone with dark skin a lot more.

One time I was waiting at the checkout in my local store and a fairly drunk, quite old man (having just bought something) was ranting to the lady at the checkout about how all shops were owned by Caucus people (he was using a racist Russian word though) and how this was wrong etc etc. Now the woman on the checkout (about 35ish) was happily agreeing with this inebriated drunk guy affirming that yes, “they should all be kicked out of the country so Russians can run those shops.”

I thought maybe these two should be involved in politics as they both clearly had a razor sharp understanding of economics and were obviously heavyweights in this field...

Again ill reiterate, the difference here is that an English person would keep his raciest views to himself more and not go walking around broadcasting them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, it just makes them harder to spot.

Americans

A lot of the times when talking to a surprising amount of Russians, I get the feeling like I’m living in the cold-war 80s. I’m talking Russians from as young as 18 hate ranting hate on America when they’ve never been there or never met an American. A lot of the time they 1) blame America for the fall of the Soviet Union (if you’re going to argue it, at least brings some facts to support your argument) 2) America wants to invade Russia. So even though America is still up to its ass in Iraq, Russia is next on the to-do list, ok chief, sure thing.

I was once on a date with a pretty hot girl and she started on about America and how she doesn’t like Americans because they destroyed the USSR and that everything then was better (she was 5 when it collapsed so not in the best position to make such a one-sided statement). As usual, I paid no attention and let her off the hook as she was hot but hearing young people parrot repeat things they probably picked up from their grandparents is nothing new. Another time, one of my contacts on vkontakte sent me a video titled “Americas use of cartoons to subliminally corrupt Russian youth”. I simply shook my head and went back to work (by which I mean sitting on facebook and searching for internet filth).

Most Russians will be nice to your face if you're an American, but there's always a couple of knives ready to slide right into that back becuase most won't say what they really think to your face.

So that’s my little summary. Again, please don’t get me wrong and think that I believe England and America are free of these attitudes; they’re probably just as bad in some cases (any glance at a YouTube comments page is enough to make a guy give up on the human race period). I’m just covering the whole English perspective on life in Moscow, if you think I missed something or am way of, feel free to comment.

Sberbank fucks up again

2010-04-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

This is one pissed expat sitting in his underwear at his computer right now. I should have created a rant label for this type of thing, in fact, I may even do that.

So I finally decide to man up and pay the vast selection of bills that have amassed. I had been avoiding my local Sberbank like a 50 year-old hooker with leprosy lately because of lines stretching right out the door. Today I decide I’m getting down there early, naively thinking that this would give me an advantage (after so many years here I really should know better).

I arrive at the door at 9.10am, no line on the street and things are looking good, that is until I open the door. And there it was - a fucking line back to the door. While I was stood around in a semi rage stupor I caught wind of what two babushkas were saying: Apparently my local Sberbank has created a ‘one-line system’. Sounds good right? Everyone stood in one line, regardless of what bill they need to pay. Oh wait, that sounds fucking terrible. Before you would line up at the window for payments, deposits etc, now it’s one big cluster fuck of time inefficiency.

The system was inefficient before and now, somehow, they have actually made it worse. I swear, who the hell came up with this idea and who approved it? This is like one big kick to the balls to efficiency, surely it’s not hard to look at the system in action and say “whoops, we’ve made it worse, let’s get back to the drawing board”. But no.

A fucking small child could probably create a more efficient system. Why do these supposedly educated people have no concept of common sense? Why did nobody say “sir, your idea is terrible”.

Is it super hard to understand that some bank procedures take longer than others, for example, babushkas getting their pensions. At least before, there was just one line at the pension collection window that would move slower than, say, the payments line.

Now, if you are going to the bank to quickly pay some bills, you are punished by all the people in front of you that are carrying out transactions that inherently take more time.

Deep, soothing breaths....

So here I am back at home, writing a bitter post. Anyhow, I’m off to have breakfast and then possibly write a more useful, less rage-charged post.

Adopted Russian 'sent back'

2010-04-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

Fury as U.S. woman adopts Russian boy, 7, then sends him back alone with note saying: 'I don't want him anymore'

Bitter tug-of-war as Russia denies U.S. consul access to child

Russia reacted with horror today over the heartbreaking story of a seven-year-old Siberian boy adopted by an American family who was sent back to Moscow alone - because his U.S. mother didn't want him any more.

Little Artem Saveliev was last year taken from a grim orphanage and given a new life in Tennessee last year.

But his adoptive mother Torry-Ann Hansen, a 34-year-old nurse, yesterday put him on a ten-hour flight as an unaccompanied minor with a note 'to whom it may concern' saying: 'I no longer wish to parent this child'.

In his rucksack, she had placed sweets, biscuits and colouring pens for the journey.

She did not tell him she was rejecting him. Instead, she and a grandmother that he was going on an 'excursion' to Moscow.

In the typed note, which the blond boy was clutching when Moscow police picked him up, she said she wanted the adoption annulled.

She accused the Vladivostok orphanage of misleading her about the child's behavioural problems.

The Russians angrily denied this, saying he was stubborn but that his only disability was that he was 'flat-footed'.

Officials said they have never witnessed such cruelty to a child after promising a 'new life'.

Unwanted Artem, eight next week, looked confused and bewildered as he was taken into care by Moscow social services.

The Kremlin's children's rights commissioner Pavel Astakhov lambasted the U.S. mother, who is understood to be a nurse and a single parent with a natural son.

Russia's foreign minister is now demanding a freeze on adoptions between the U.S. and Russia.

Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov was quoted by Russian news agencies as saying the ministry would recommend that the U.S. and Russia hammer out an agreement before any new adoptions are allowed.

'We have taken the decision ... to suggest a freeze on any adoptions to American families until Russia and the USA sign an international agreement' on the conditions for adoptions and the obligations of host families, Lavrov was quoted as saying.

He also said he was 'indignant' at the way the child was treated 'as a parcel'.

'As he is a Russian national, I am returning him to your guardianship and would like the adoption disannulled.'The letter - addressed 'to whom it may concern' at the Russian Ministry of Education in Moscow - said: 'After giving my best to this child I am sorry to say that for the sake of my family, friends and myself, I no longer wish to parent this child.

Adoption officials in Partizansk, near Vladivostok were stunned, saying that the U.S. woman had made a good impression on them when she went through adoption procedures last year.

She spent four full days with Artem watched by adoption workers before she was allowed to become his mother.

'It was clear that there was mutual affection, and it was good,' said Vera Kuznetsova, chief adoption officer in the region.

'She seemed a nice, kind woman. Artem immediately reached out to her. She even learned a few Russian words to communicate with her future son,' said one official.

U.S. social workers also submitted reports on Hansen for the court which granted the adoption. 'They did not doubt Hansen's honesty and sense of responsibility,' she said.

Recent follow-up reports from America on the boy did not detect any strains in the family, it is claimed.

Russian officals deny Hansen's claims about Artem having severe behavioural problems and being mentally unstable.

'We are shocked by how the American family has treated our child. Artem grew up as a completely normal, relatively advanced child for his age, and healthy. Does she count being flatfooted as a disability?'Artem is normal for his age,' said the official. 'He is a little stubborn child, but this is not a problem for loving parents.

'No other medical abnormalities were found. The child was completely ready for school (Russian pupils start school at seven years of age) and had learned to read when the American mother came to the orphanage.'

American psychotherapist Joe Soll told Russian media that the boy's rejection from his adopted family would have a serious impact.

'When you remove a child from a family, no matter what the circumstances are, it's a trauma,' he said.

'We don't look at children who have been adopted as tramuatised, but they are. I don't think people are educated at all to understand what adoption is really about.'

The child's real mother Ekaterina was deprived of her parental rights because she was an alcoholic, officials said yesterday.

She gave birth to the child at 19 and cared for him until he was six.

He was adopted by Hansen on 18 September 2009 in Russia and eleven days later she formally changed his name to Artem Justin Hansen.

Astakhov said the boy told him that neither he nor Logan went to school, but played at home in America. The boy spoke of a grandmother who shouted at him.

Russian officials believe it is this grandmother who actually organised the one-way trip to Moscow for Artem.

'Artem is a very nice kid. We drew pictures together and had nice chat,' said Astakhov.

Officials say they want action against the mother for child abuse. The Moscow media angrily denounced the 'cruelty' inflicted on the seven-year-old.

This shocking return of an unwanted child follows several appalling cases of Russian children being killed after being adopted to America.

In one case, a two-year-old boy died after his American father left him alone in a car in 30C temperatures.

The cases led to a public outcry and new curbs on adoption.

The case was highlighted on a day when U.S. President Barack Obama and Russian leader Dmitry Medvedev signed an historic nuclear arm reduction treaty in Prague.

By WI LL STEW ART at the Dai ly Ma il

Russians walking dogs without leads

2010-04-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

Before i begin, I got to thinking the other day: are all my posts about Russia negative? Am I stewing in a Russian river of my own hate juices? I think there’s definitely a pattern, but what the hell, here comes another rant, a mini rant if you will, about dogs and leads (or leashes for the American reader).

Basically I live in an area where a lot of people walk dogs, which is a nice thing and I especially enjoy watching one lady walk her three pugs but that’s beside the point. The bad thing is 90 percent of these dogs are without leads. Is it so freaking hard to lead that thing up?

Walking to the metro the other day I was on edge because some babushka was out with her crazy dog (medium size, but big enough to tear your balls off) who was barking his ass of at nothing and acting crazy. Of course his babushka owner was trying to calm him down and tell him to “come along” to which he was calmly giving her the dog equivalent of the middle finger. But this is to be expected, the majority of dog walkers aren’t exactly Cesar Millan.

Another problem is dogs fighting or dogs attacking kids (of which there have been many cases in Russia, not just among strays), of course, the owners always say that their Bobik (a common Russian dog name) is a nice dog that had never done such a thing in the past or would never be aggressive.

Even if you have a small dog, they should still be on a lead. My girlfriend’s babushka used to have a poodle that was fucking mauled to death by a bigger dog in a park. Apparently a bigger dog went crazy and the owner just seemed to find it funny and didn’t lift a damn finger to stop his dog.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of asshole dog walkers out there and I even saw one today.

Me and my girlfriend were driving back from her parents place and about to park while some drunk (or drugged up) guy was out with his young puppy that was zigzagging around the yard near our block of flats. The fucking thing almost zigzagged right under the wheel of my girlfriend’s jeep.

And what would have happened then? I would have no doubt had to have left the car, tried to explain to the drunken retard that his puppy should be on a lead which would almost certainly have led to me having to fight the guy. Is that really what I need on a Sunday afternoon, a potential whopping from a drunk Russian? No sir.

Do yourselves a favour if you have dogs you walk, leash those badboys up and keep an eye on other peoples’ dogs. Why a lot of people walk dogs without leads is a mystery to me, as are a lot of Russian peculiarities (like why a lot of them simply refuse to wear sun cream on holiday). What can I say, умом не понять!

A little trip to the travel agency

2010-04-14T02:59:00.000-07:00

So this is just a short one I thought I’d put up to show some of you guys what a Soviet hotel looks like. What, you may ask, lead you to be in a Soviet hotel? Well, basically, me and my girlfriend have booked a holiday to Egypt and the tourist agency was located in this ex Soviet hotel called the Berlin.

I think now it mainly functions as a type of business centre but I’m not sure. As you’d expect from Russia, we had to go down there with hard cash (oh don’t worry, I asked on the phone whether I could just pay by card and be emailed the E tickets to which the answer was, of course, no).

Anyway, standard bollocks ensued, first go to guard, show passport, get security pass and your away. The actual tourist agency was just one of many, many cheap-quality wooden doors. Here’s a couple of pics which I thought I’d share with you readers, but keep in mind that the building was huge so I could only fit in part of it on my camera phone.

(left) The fantasy love hotel itself (right) the endless maze of rooms

Tez tour

and finally, a couple of pictures of the ladies bathroom (which had no TP in it). Dont worry, i wasn't being a sexuial preditor or anything, i just nipped in to snap a couple of shots.

Russian police brutality

2010-03-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

Reforming Russia’s violent and corrupt police will not be easy

(taken from The Econo mist print edition)

Another potential criminal

THEY shoot, beat and torture civilians, confiscate businesses and take hostages. They are feared and distrusted by two-thirds of the country. But they are not foreign occupiers, mercenaries or mafia; they are Russia’s police officers. The few decent cops among them are seen as mould-breaking heroes and dissidents.

Daily reports of police violence read like wartime bulletins. Recent cases include a random shooting by a police officer in a Moscow supermarket (seven wounded, two dead), the gruesome torture and killing of a journalist in Tomsk, and the case of Sergei Magnitsky, a young lawyer for an American investment fund. He was denied medical treatment and died in pre-trial detention in Moscow having accused several police officers of fraud.

Police violence is not new in Russia, but a recent wave of publicity is. A simple explanation is that police lawlessness has exhausted people’s patience and that pent-up anger has finally burst into newspapers, websites and even state television. The internet makes it harder to hush things up. Earlier this month a Moscow motorist posted a video online alleging that he and several other drivers were used as human shields by traffic police trying to catch an armed criminal.

Dmitry Medvedev, Russia’s web-aware president, has been quick to respond. He has fired Moscow’s police chief, ordered an overhaul of Russia’s arcane gulag system and called for reform of the interior ministry. Yet this reform involves cutting police numbers by 20% and centralising control over regional police.

Ordinary policemen, many of whom despise their own service, seem baffled and angered—not by the claims of abuse, which almost no one disputes, but by the hypocrisy of their bosses, who have turned them into scapegoats. Some have started to spill the beans on their superiors.

The rot has now set in so deep that real reform of Russian policing would mean reform of state power, says Sergei Kanev, a crime reporter for Novaya Gazeta. The main function of law-enforcement agencies in Russia is not to protect the public from crime and corruption, but to shield the bureaucracy, including themselves, from the public.

To ensure loyalty the system allows police and security services to make money from their licence for violence. Police escorts can be officially purchased. Other commercial activities include charging for proper investigation, extortion, selling sensitive databases, tapping phones or raiding businesses for competitors. Many police officers have their own private business on the side. Unsurprisingly, top jobs in the police are a valuable, and traded, commodity. Most new recruits sign up to make money, according to internal questionnaires. As Mikhail Khodorkovsky, a businessman serving an eight-year prison sentence on trumped-up charges, has written, the police, prosecution and prison services are component parts of an industry whose business is legitimised violence and which uses people as raw material.

Yet even as thousands of businessmen lose their livelihoods or serve time on bogus charges, bureaucrats guilty of real crimes are escaping lightly. In recent days a police officer who murdered an independent journalist in Ingushetia was put under house arrest after the court decided that his two-year penal-colony sentence was overly harsh. Seven time zones to the east, a customs official found guilty of trading in contraband was given a suspended three-year sentence.

Ultimately, the police are instruments in the hands of a more powerful institution: the Federal Security Service (FSB), successor to the KGB, which remains outside public control and above criticism. The Russian police service is not only headed by a former FSB operative but is packed with its people, says Vladimir Pastukhov of the Russian Institute of Law and Public Policy, a think-tank. The FSB can dabble in any business it likes, but relies on the police to do the footwork. Serious police reform is therefore impossible if the masters are left alone.

The FSB, a factional body with its own vested interests, has a near-monopoly on the repressive functions of the state. More worryingly, it relies on its traditional links to organised crime. Mr Kanev, who has investigated some of the most high-profile kidnappings of wealthy businessmen and their relatives, says few of them could take place without the knowledge and even collusion of former and current members of the security services.

Commercial kidnappings—once the prerogative of Chechnya—are now big business in Moscow. Many cases, says Mr Kanev, never get reported; instead, the victim quietly pays up. This is what people in occupied territories do.

2010-03-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

Russia corruption "may force Western firms to quit"

Micha el Sto tt

MOSCOW

(Reuters) - Extortion by corrupt officials in Russia has got so bad that some Western multinationals are considering pulling out altogether, the head of a U.S. anti-bribery group said in an interview.

RUSSIA

Alexandra Wrage, whose non-profit organization TRACE International advises firms on how to avoid bribery, told Reuters the "rampant endemic" corruption in Russia was much worse than in other big emerging economies.

"My recommendation is: 'Maybe you should reconsider doing business in Russia,'" she said. "I am considerably more optimistic about Nigeria than I am about Russia on this issue."

Berlin-based NGO Transparency International rates Russia joint 146th out of 180 nations in its Corruption Perception Index, saying bribe-taking is worth about $300 billion a year.

"A lot of the conversations (with businesses) around Russia are: 'Can we stay there ?'," Wrage said during a visit to Moscow last week to run a workshop for over 100 mainly Western firms.

"Companies are fearful of the U.S. Department of Justice or the UK SFO (Serious Fraud Office) ... they are really scrambling to get it right, and really struggling and, in the case of more than one company, talking about pulling out."

Wrage declined to name firms considering leaving but Swedish furniture retailer IKEA said last year it was halting further expansion in Russia because of "the unpredictable character of administrative procedures in some regions."

Wrage recalled a question at her first workshop in Moscow in 2002 which underlined the unique dangers of Russian corruption:

"Somebody came up to me in the break and said: 'If I don't pay the bribes here, I am really worried that my office will be burned to the ground.'"

Her reply? "Well, I have nothing to give you. I don't have any best practice tips to help with that scenario."

Corruption in emerging market economies typically involves payments to secure business but in Russia most bribes go to officials to stop them from abusing their office, Wrage said.

Questions included how to avoid getting your company shut down on a trumped-up charge if you did not pay off an official, through to corporate raiding by Russian competitors with official connivance which could mean losing the whole company.

Businesses were asking: "How do we survive here without paying bribes, because we're not sure it's possible," she added.

Wrage serves on a U.S.-Russia government commission created to strengthen ties by sharing expertise. She was skeptical about Russian President Dmitry Medvedev's repeated pledges to fight corruption, though she acknowledged they had contributed to a bigger public debate on the issue.

"There is a new and exciting anti-corruption initiative here with startling regularity," she said. "We don't need any more initiatives, we need results."

TRACE has studied other leading emerging economies. In China, it describes corruption as an "inverted pyramid," with most bribery at the top while India is the opposite, with corruption rampant at lower levels but tapering off higher up.

"Russia is a solid block. There is bribery at all levels," Wrage said. "There appears to be sense of near-complete impunity, a sense of entitlement ... there is no sympathetic low level management, no sympathetic mid-level management, or sympathy at the top (for anti-bribery efforts)."

"Each time I leave here, I sit at the airport and send my husband an e-mail saying: 'I think I'm going to wrap up our efforts here, I don't feel like I can advance ... and then I go back and we poll our member companies and they go:

"'Can we do another workshop on Russia because we're really worried about Russia ?'"

Getting my cast of in Russian clinic hell

2010-03-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

This actually happened about three weeks ago when I got my cast off but I’ve only just gotten around to writing about it. Nothing too amazing here, but I just thought I’d give you all a small glimpse into the bullshit mine that is my experience of the Russian medical system.

Saturday started out ok, went back to the clinic (this one was a private one near where I live), the surgeon who took the cast off wasn’t a douche like the one before and wasn’t condensing in any way. He checked out the hand and said for me to head up to the 4^th floor to get that bitch x-rayed, unfortunately, this was where the magic promise and potential of Saturday ended and the Russian redtape tobacco enema began.

I got up to the 4^th floor with my girlfriend, my proverbial rock of support, only to find about 10 people waiting in the x-ray line. Super. Where things get fucked up is in the system of receiving patients, which ill give a quick description of bellow.

Most queues are divided into two: those with an appointment at a set time and those who are sent “urgently” by a doctor on the day. The problem is that when there are many patients, the schedule falls further and further behind with you never knowing when you’re getting to get in there.

Back to business

So here I am, wondering whether I’ll be called after all the “appointment” guys or before somehow (I was in the “urgent group”), of course, when one appointment patient that leaves, another one shows up. About one hour later I was getting pissed and making my girlfriend ask plenty of questions, which in turn was pissing her off. One of the desk staff finally allotted us a time of 5.45, fucking two more hours. I was like, let’s just walk home, but she wanted to stay just encase we got in earlier so I agreed to wait more, anger building all the way. We got closer to the door, giving false hope, but eventually I just couldn’t handle people turning up with appointments and breezing straight passed us. I said fuck it, we have another hour, lets head to the metro (5 mins away) and sit in a cafe for a bit as I was getting pretty hungry. So that’s what we did.

Cut to an hour later and we’re back in the shit with a surprise prepared for us.

Since we left for food, they had decided that we weren’t coming back and went ahead and cancelled my appoint saying that the next time would be at 7 at which moment I was mad enough to physically assault a pensioner. Luckily my girlfriend managed to sweet talk the bitch and they X-rayed me pretty quick, which took less than 5 minutes followed by a 20 minute wait for the X-ray. After 15 minutes they come out and say they need to take another as the first was no good, the dance begins again and the X-ray was ready 25 minutes later.

Back to the surgeon who was surprised to see us again, hand looks ok, no heavy masturbation for one month and I’m good to go. All in all, it took about four hours to get an X-ray done that took 5 minutes.

4 fucking hours, but the worst was yet to come.

Sunday

This magical day me and my girlfriend had to go to the local free clinic to get her sick note signed off (in Russia you get a sick note “opened” when you’re ill and then “closed” when you are healthy again), unfortunately, to get it signed off, you need to venture down into the hell that is the Russian free clinic.

So here we are again, knee deep in the shit, and with no leather sofas for comfort. Little did I realise just how good I had it sat down on the leather chairs in the paid clinic. We’re now back in the standard long queue made up of pensioners, some possible drug addicts and other types.

After the first hour, the anger set in. I was quietly ranting in English, swearing incoherently and just waiting to find an object to smash, I couldn’t believe how this was happening. I was, again, hungry and trapped in a fucking clinic. Same shit as before, urgent, appointment etc. Each patient was taking 10 minutes on average with the doc and they just kept coming like rats out of a cheburek stand.

Every time a new person came in, he/she would ask: who is next? To which a select couple of babushkas would describe, in full detail, who was there with what time, who was next and who had been waiting how long - every time a new person came in the process repeated, over and over again (this happens in Sberbank too). At 5 o clock there were people waiting who had appointments for 4 o clock, no fucking joke.

After a while I stopped feeling rage and emotion generally, I had been broken and was quietly waiting, like a zombie. Like a true Russian, I resigned myself to my fate, because like in Russia as a whole, there was not a damn thing I could do about it. You know, it was like I had been sent to Russian prison and my cellmate was the 200lb head of the white Slavic brotherhood with a passion for English middle class man/boys (technically I am a man, but I look young, so yeah...), you know what’s going to happen, and all you can do is say “Vladimir, be gentle”.

About two hours in a pseudo system formed of one urgent, one appointment and we eventually got the sick note signed off but guess what? It took 4 fucking hours, again! Four hours sitting in one room, try that shit out sometime.

I had a lifetime supply of Russian clinic love, all in the space of two days but let this be a lesson to you guys out there reading this: if you are heading to a clinic or hospital, even if you think you’ll be quick, take some entertainment materials with you, books, Japanese anime porn, games, music, whatever, just be prepaid for the worst!